Wednesday, January 13, 2010

New Bank Tax
President Obama is moving ahead with a plan to tax the most successful banks who already paid back their bailout loans. The banks intend to fight back by putting Jay Leno back at 10pm.

Foreclosure Spike
Foreclosures shot up 14% in December, as the banks forced thousands more families out on the street so they could use their homes to store all the cash from their huge executive bonuses.

Giving Up on Gotti
After four mistrials, prosecutors are finally giving up on trying to convict John "Junior" Gotti. The Feds figure that forcing Gotti to talk to his sister Victoria every week is punishment enough.

Accenture, Post Tiger
After dropping Tiger Woods, accounting giant Accenture is looking for just one celebrity without any personal sex scandals to be its spokesman. Unfortunately, the Pope doesn't do commercials.

Massachusetts Senate Race
Democrats are scrambling to make sure candidate Martha Coakley wins the election to hold on to Ted Kennedy's senate seat from Massachusetts. Just to make sure she reminds more voters of Kennedy, her campaign staffers are encouraging her to start driving drunk.

January 14th

1539: Spain annexes Cuba... mostly in hopes of finding a decent shortstop.

1943: Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill begin the Casablanca Conference to discuss the war and try to bang Ingrid Bergman.

1950: The first prototype of the MiG-17 makes its maiden flight. The in-flight meal is Vodka with a Vodka chaser.


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