Haiti Quake
The capital city of Haiti is in ruins after a massive earthquake hit the country. American rescue workers plan to rush to scene as soon as they finish salvaging the survivors from the NBC late night disaster.



Google China
Google is threatening to pull out of China after being hit with major cyber attacks from Chinese hackers. The hackers were reportedly looking for the top secret information on how the Hell to operate the new Google phone.



GM Goes to Trucks
GM is investing major funds to build more full-size pickups. It's all part of a bet that consumers and businesses will resume buying trucks, so they can run all the crappy hybrid cars off the damn road.



New SEC Team
The Securities and Exchange Commission is set to name the chiefs for five new units that will investigate banks and hedge funds. The leading candidates are the five TSA guards who didn't fall asleep at Newark Airport last month.



Romer's Claims
White House economic advisor Cristina Romer says the stimulus plan has created millions of jobs. Romer is being asked to continue saying things like that until the Obama administration can hire "Baghdad Bob."






January 13th


888: Odo, Count of Paris becomes King of the Franks... after he eats 23 hot dogs in five minutes.


1605: The controversial play Eastward Hoe by Ben Jonson, George Chapman, and John Marston is performed, landing two of the authors in prison. The more controversial play, West Side Ho', is largely ignored.


1830: The Great fire of New Orleans, Louisiana begins. It is later blamed on President George W. Bush.


1935: A plebiscite in the German state of Saarland shows that 90.3% of those voting wish to join Nazi Germany. The other 9.7% comprised the Off-Broadway cast of Cabaret.


1992: Japan apologizes for forcing Korean women into sexual slavery during World War II. Then the moment is ruined when the government asks the survivors to model Hello Kitty lingerie.