Monday, January 04, 2010

Terror Flight Update
President Obama will get an update today on the details surrounding the Christmas Day terror flight. The president will continue getting these updates until he runs out of other people to blame.

Coldest Days
Most of the U.S. is suffering from a major cold snap, and we've just completed the coldest December since 2000. It's getting so bad, Al Gore and Ed Begley Jr. have been forced to sleep together to keep warm.

Health Care Spending Slows
U.S. health care spending in 2009 grew at the slowest pace in 50 years. It's not clear if this is because of insurance changes or because more Americans stopped treating their wealthy loved ones in 2009 in hopes of cashing in on the expired estate tax in 2010.

Bankruptcy Spike
Personal bankruptcy filings rose by 33% in 2009, thanks to an increase in foreclosures, downsizing, and thousands of Americans who got so engrossed in the Tiger Woods story that they forgot to go to work.

Nexus One
Google will unveil the Nexus One, the company's new smartphone. The Nexus One will compete with Apple's iPhone for the growing market of 25 to 54-year-old men who need to continue to ignore everyone and everything around them.

January 5th

1759: George Washington marries Martha Dandridge Custis. The mariage almost ends right away when Washignton forgets to remove his wooden teeth on the wedding night.

1914: The Ford Motor Company announces an eight-hour workday and a minimum wage of $5 for a day's labor... unfortunately, most of the workers effected by that rule are still alive and are bleeding the Ford pension fund for heart pills and Viagra at $50 a pop.

1996: Hamas operative Yahya Ayyash is killed by an Israeli-planted booby-trapped cell phone... although witnesses on the scene swear he was already killed by the outrageous roaming charges.


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