Letterman Apology
David Letterman has apologized to his wife for his many affairs with staffers over the years. He promised never to do it again, unless his show needs another ratings-boosting scandal during sweeps.



No Dalai Lama at White House
President Obama will not meet with the Dalai Lama because he doesn't want to offend the Chinese government. It's just like when Abraham Lincoln didn't meet with Frederick Douglas so he wouldn't offend slave owners... oh wait, that's not how it happened.




Guinea Atrocities
Pictures showing sexual attacks on women in Guinea by soldiers suppressing a demonstration appear to have traumatized the citizenry and hardened the opposition’s determination. It's also convinced the U.N. to focus more on blaming Israel.



Titanic Cruise
A memorial Titani cruise is scheduled to set sail following the same trans-Atlantic route as the ill-fated ship. The passengers are expected to be the same people who play dead soldiers in Civil War reenactments.



Replacing the Dollar?
Several Arab countries are looking to replace the dollar as the world's leading currency. Their biggest gripe is that U.S. bills don't burn as nicely after suicide bombers blow themselves up nearby.




October 6th



1683: William Penn brings 13 German immigrant families to the colony of Pennsylvania... then leaves them there to die a slow death from bad polka.


1889: Thomas Edison shows his first motion picture, but its opening weekend box office numbers disappoint the studio.


1898: Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia Fraternity founded at the New England Conservatory of Music... as if musicians needed any more excuses to get drunk.