Wednesday, July 26, 2006


Top 10 Most Popular Hezbollah Bumper Stickers

10) "To ride in this van you need to give me cash, hash, or a katyusha rocket"

9) "Don't blame me, I voted for... no democracy"

8) "My other car is... in Iran"

7) "I go from 0 to 60 formal U.N. complaints in 5 seconds"

6) "If this car breaks down, it is the will of Allah"

5) "Honk if you're going to an honor killing"

4) "Don't like my Driving? Call 1-800-Beheaded"

3) "Have a nice Jihad"

2) "What Would Shiek Nasrallah Do?"

1) "Keep driving America, we need the money!"

More than 200 Iranian men have volunteered to join in Hezbollah's fight against Israel. It's not clear whether they really admire Hezbollah, or if they just want to get the Hell out of Iran before the government starts nuclear testing.

Israel says it's inflicted heavy casualties among Hezbollah fighters in the last two days. Hezbollah will not release its own casualty figures; it's only saying that "about 720,000 virgins are really busy in heaven right now."

Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki of Iraq addressed a joint session of Congress Wednesday, promising that his country will not fall to the terrorists... especially because he wants it to be strong enough to attack Israel.

Arab-Americans caught in Lebanon are decrying the devastation in that country. Ali Abbas Tehfi of Los Angeles says, "it was worse than a nightmare; the worst I have ever seen." Well, I guess he's never been on the 405.

Lebanon's prime minister says his country is hiring lawyers to sue Israel for war reparations. Boy, if he thinks Israel is ravaging his nation, wait until it gets a statement for billable hours.


Former 'N Sync star Lance Bass, says he's gay and in a "very stable" relationship. You know you're a has-been when you come out of the closet and people still don't give a damn.

General Motors reported better-than-expected second quarter results Wednesday... proving that either the company's restructuring plan is working, or Americans just like buying crap.


The reasons why most of the news media does such a bad job covering conflicts like this are not just because many reporters and executives are anti-Israel. It’s also because the structure of news that, for a long time now, has decided to “personalize” every story and make major wars and other disputes about the “little guy caught in the middle.” This may be a good way to cover a car accident or a fire, but even then it’s flawed. And it’s downright disastrous to follow this model in a war.

Another way to look at it is to imagine if we discovered the cure for all kidney disease. Much of the news coverage would be about the doctors behind the breakthrough and the people it would save, but I guarantee you someone would also do a sympathetic piece about the janitor at the local dialysis clinic who was now out of a job.

If you’re still having trouble visualizing all of this, why not read this article about the bombing of Berlin during World War II that I’ve re-written as if it were done today under today’s prevailing journalistic customs. Here it is:

British Bombers Bombard Berlin, “Humanitarian Crisis” Feared
By Drew Middleton, Cable to the New York Times (re-imagined for today by Jake Novak)

LONDON, Thursday November 25, 1943-

64-year-old Hans Lagerfeld is a simple man. He sells ties and hats at a haberdashery in Berlin and says he loves peace. But his peace was shattered last night when the British RAF dropped more than 1,000 pounds of high explosive and incendiary bombs near his home and shop, making him fear for his life.

“My family and I are about to become refugees. This is a disaster, and for what? Because the Fuhrer is trying to conquer Britain and burn London to the ground? It’s so clear the English are overreacting, probably because of Churchill’s ‘Jewish lobby,” he added.

Making matters worse, dozens of roads and bridges in Berlin have been destroyed, leaving the city’s innocent civilians with no way out. It’s feared that a few more days of this could bring food shortages and other problems.

26-year-old Kristina Hunst is learning to do without.

“Last night we couldn’t get our usual shipment of Jewish books to burn at the weekly bonfire,” she said, barely able to hold back tears. “And I wasn’t able to hear the Fuhrer’s radio address because the electric power was out. Why do they hate us so much?”

In the last three days, more than 5,000 pounds of explosives have rained down on this peaceful and beautiful city once known as “the Paris of Central Europe.” Now, much of it lies in ruins, sending a crushing blow to the city’s growing tourist industry.

“This is a disaster. We just cleared some rich, blood-sucking Jews out of this townhouse and turned it into a bed & breakfast last year, and now we’ll have to shut down,” complained Hans Muntz, Berlin’s Vice-Minister for Tourism and Conventions. “If the Western powers think this will accomplish anything, they’re wrong. Now we will hate them even more! I hope they’re happy,” he added.

Not everyone is stuck in Berlin. Estella Yungermeister and her three young children were lucky enough to escape the constant bombardment when she boarded a train to France and found shelter with her husband, who is living in a chateau in the south of that country along with some fellow Wehrmacht officers. Luckily for Frau Yungermeister, her husband is a Lt. Colonel in the Panzer Corps, living in plush conditions he says were “donated” to him by the owners in 1940.

“My children were crying every night. They kept asking me why the thunder was so loud, and whether the beloved Fuhrer was angry with them,” Frau Yungermeister wailed. “They used to just be afraid of the Jews coming and killing them and using their blood for making matzo on Passover, but now they are really terrified all the time,” she complained.

Her husband has also been terrorized by British bombers.

“Just the other day, Otto, Fritz and the rest of us guys took a half track out for a little drive, and just then a bomber zeroes in on us and drops a load that almost killed me! I realize we’re at war, but the British need to see the destruction they’re causing. I could have been killed! And all I was trying to do was my job.” Col. Yungermeister insisted.

The innocent children aren’t the only ones asking these tough questions.

“What have we done to deserve this?” asked Lagerfeld as he surveyed the damage to his shop. “Sure, we shipped a few million Jews and Gypsies to the gas chambers, but does that warrant this kind of destruction? It’s too bad the League of Nations isn’t around to help secure an immediate cease fire,” he said.

Later in the day, German Minister for Propaganda Josef Goebbels took me on a tour of some of the ravaged sections of the city.

“Do you see any Messerschmitts or artillery gunners here?” Goebbels asked rhetorically as we stood in front of a destroyed factory of some kind on the outskirts of town. “Why are they attacking us? The British are cowards, and to Churchill I say: ‘We will never surrender! We will never surrender! We will never surrender!”

Hitler himself was not available for an interview, but millions of Germans heard his voice today over the national radio after the broadcast blackout was ended.

“I am unharmed and strong,” asserted Herr Hitler during the broadcast. “And I want you all to know that I did not go into the bomb shelter when the cruel but pointless British bombs began to fall. The reason you did not see me was because I was in another secret location, risking my life for the Fatherland!”

But while Hitler has come through unscathed and strong, the same cannot be said for the brave but tragic residents of places like Willhelmstrasse and Alexanderplatz, two areas that once were teaming with families and children but are now totally demolished.


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