Thursday, February 02, 2006

House Voting Snafu
During Thursday's voting for the new House Majority Leader, a second vote had to be taken when it was discovered there were more ballots cast than Republican members. That was because the lobbyists naturally thought they could vote too.

Top 5 Goals for New House Majority Leader John Boehner

5) Avoid being called as a witness at the trials of Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff and Scooter Libby

4) Make sure fellow GOP Congressmen can start to use the toilet even without getting lobbyists' permission

3) Get Congress to focus on important issues, like gay marriage, evolution classes and saying "God" in the pledge of allegiance

2) Replace illegal cash donations with debit card payments

1) Break into House Speaker Hastert's secret Twinkie stash

Angry About a Cartoon
Palestinian gunmen in Gaza City are threatening to take European hostages in reaction to editorial cartoons in a Danish newspaper depicting the prophet Mohammad. That makes sense because if there's one thing that's been causing Palestinian suffering all these years, it's insulting editorial cartoons.

Bolton Stood Up
U.N. Ambassador John Bolton opened his first meeting as head of the Security Council at 10 a.m. sharp Thursday -- but found that no other diplomats showed up. Bolton was a bit flustered, but he was fine after he threw insults and staplers at each of the empty chairs.

Lobbying Restrictions
The House of Representatives voted Wednesday to ban lobbying on the House floor... maybe now they'll learn that Congressmen like to be lobbied in a nice hotel suite.

Phil Sees His Shadow
The famous groundhog Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow Thursday morning... that means six more weeks of outbursts at the Saddam Hussein trial.

Iran Plea
The U.N. is urging Iran to freeze all nuclear production for at least 10 years. That shouldn't be so hard, the rest of the country looks like it's frozen in 1979.

Harry's Mission
Britain's Prince Harry will go to Iraq next year as a troop commander and could see action along the hazardous border with Iran. But it won't be so dangerous for him over there if he wears his Nazi uniform.

Sandra's New Job
Sandra Day O'Connor has started her new job teaching law at the University of Arizona. And just like her days on the Supreme Court, she was surrounded by people on too much medication to really pay attention to what she's saying.


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