Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Palestinian Elections
Experts say that no matter who prevails in the Palestinian elections, the real winners will be the Palestinian people. That's because when they go into the voting booth, it's one of the few times they can push a button without blowing themselves up.

Top 5 Signs Your Political Candidate is a Terrorist

5) At strategy meetings, he keeps saying things like: "I'll blow that bridge up when I get to it."

4) Considers raising his poll numbers by kidnapping the pollsters

3) No one wants to ride in his motorcade

2) All his campaign donations come from France

1) He never makes any public speeches; only audiotapes

Palestinian Elections II
Turnout has been strong in the Palestinian elections... a surprising development since all the buses to the polling centers are being operated by Hamas.

Palestinian Elections III
Hamas leaders say they are considering building a coalition with Fatah. The partnership will consist of Fatah buying the bombs and Hamas exploding them.

Palestinian Elections IV
The leading Hamas candidates are seen as the "brain trust" of the movement. Well, that makes sense; they're the only ones smart enough not to have committed suicide.

Isiah Lawsuit
A former Knicks employee has slapped team President and General Manager Isiah Thomas with a sexual harassment suit. This isn't exactly surprising; Isiah's been screwing millions of Knicks fans for years now.

Bush NSA Visit
President Bush spent Wednesday visiting the ultra-secret National Security Agency. He was there to boost the morale of the employees who support him, and get the names of those who don't so he can leak them to Robert Novak.

Google Blocks
The search engine Google has agreed to bar Internet users in China from searching for the truth about certain phrases and terms so it can do business in that country. The most commonly blocked terms will be "freedom," "democracy," and "MSG."

Blacks and Cigarettes
A new study shows that blacks that smoke cigarettes are more likely to die than white people who light up. Not because of any medical reasons; but because trigger-happy cops are more likely to claim that the pack of cigarettes a black man is carrying looks like a loaded pistol.


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