Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Tsunami Relief Packages
The good news is that Americans are sending millions of dollars worth of aid to the victims of the Asian Tsunamis. The bad news is that we're sending it to them on U.S. Airways.

Minnelli Injured
Liza Minnelli is in a New York hospital after falling out of bed yesterday morning. But doctors say her injury is minor and they expect Minnelli to be walking, talking, and beating her servants within a few days.

Scrounger Released
Authorities have released the former reservist jailed for taking abandoned Army vehicles in Kuwait. Now she hopes to get the only job anyone found stealing from the Army is capable of doing -- billing executive at Halliburton.

Top 5 Reasons Why All of Wall Street Deserves this Year's Record Bonuses

5) Last little old lady in Kansas finally swindled out of her life savings

4) Convinced voters that President Bush is actually good for the economy

3) Every employee at every brokerage house, including the janitors, is obviously better at business than all the contestants on "The Apprentice"

2) Found jobs for all of President Bush's failed cabinet members

1) No involvement in the Janet Jackson breast incident

New Osama Tape
A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden urges Iraqis not to vote in the January 30th elections. Not because he opposes the U.S.-led attempt at democracy, but because he doesn't trust all those new electronic voting machines.

Osama & Zarqawi
In his new audiotape, Osama bin Laden says he's now joining forces with Iraqi insurgent leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. But the merger still needs to be approved by the SEC.

CEO Severance
Outgoing Bank of America CEO Chad Gifford is getting a severance package that includes more than $25 million and season tickets for the Boston Red Sox. Upon hearing the details of the package, Gifford's enemies dropped their efforts to reduce his cash award and started working to replace his Red Sox seats with Mets tickets.

Ecstasy Research
Researchers at Harvard say giving dying cancer sufferers the "club drug" Ecstasy can be a great way to stimulate euphoria and sexual arousal. Of course, what the Harvard researchers will never know is that you can also get those feelings from actually having a date.


Post a Comment

<< Home