Friday, May 21, 2004

"Shrek 2" Opens
"Shrek 2" raked in a record $11.8 million on its opening day. It's the most money an ogre has made in Hollywood since Michael Eisner gave himself his last pay raise.

Pelosi Stops Short
House Democrat Nancy Pelosi blasted President Bush's Iraq policy again today, but stopped short of calling him incompetent. Aides say she didn't want to give America's growing number of incompetent voters any more reasons to identify with the President than they already do.

Iraq Shocker: Insurgents Love Fox News

"All their Crap Really Gets Us Going," says one militia leader

(Najaf, Iraq) A Nielsen survey of viewing trends among Iraqi terrorists and insurgents shows more of them tune in to the conservative Fox News Channel than CNN or Al Jazeera combined.

"In the key 15-25 year old would-be suicide bomber/terrorist demo, Fox just blows everyone away... no pun intended," said Nielsen said Susan D. Whiting, president and CEO of Nielsen Media Research.

"Getting my guys to wake up early in the morning and do a suicide bombing isn't as easy as it looks... sometimes they're just not motivated. But then the satellite feed comes in from Fox News, and I get motivation all over the place," said Shiite insurgent leader Mohammed al Sadr, "I mean you can't watch that network for more than 2 minutes before they're calling my people 'thugs,' 'blood-thirsty,' and 'cowards,' you can't beat that for stirring the cauldron of hate my friend," he added.

Al Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi also had high praise for Fox.

"I love how that Bill O'Reilly gestures to cut off a guest's mic when he disagrees with him! To tell you the truth that's exactly how we do most of our beheadings... but we're a little nicer," Zarqawi said. "We don't miss 'The O'Reilly Factor' for anything. Don't let this get out, but if Americans are looking to stay safe in Iraq, going out during his show is a good idea; you can't tear us away from the tube for the whole hour," Zarqawi added.

Other terror ringleaders were less willing to praise Fox News than they were critical of the competition.

"We try watching CNN once in a while, but then that Aaron Brown comes on with that ridiculous phony hair or Daryn Kagen gets nailed by the Howard Stern phony phone callers, and all my guys want to do is laugh and enjoy life," said former Ba'ath party leader Ezzat Ibrahim, "and that's not exactly conducive to the whole suicide bombing thing, you know."

Al Sadr added another criticism.

"CNN's whole, 'let's try to be fair and sort out the facts first' approach is so lame," he said. "No wonder they're getting their asses kicked in the ratings."


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