Monday, May 24, 2004

Chalabi Charges
The U.S. is still investigating charges that former Pentagon darling Ahmed Chalabi was really a spy for Iran. Top U.S. secrets Chalabi is accused of sending to Tehran:

-Donald Rumsfeld really likes his men to wear nice clothes, use satin comforters, and hold him all night

-Don't do any interviews with Michael Moore

-The Halliburton unlimited government credit card account number is 547-053-6321, and the expiration date is Jan. 20th 2005

-Keep all your messages to President Bush to one page or less... ah, that's a waste of time too... just send them all to Cheney

-If you really want to defeat the U.S. Army, just give all the soldiers a digital camera.

Jackson Bail
California prosecutors are opposing a move to reduce Michael Jackson's bail, arguing the performer might become a fugitive and live comfortably in places like Mexico or Monte Carlo. But experts say until they build a few "Chuck E. Cheese" franchises abroad, Jackson is not likely to be comfortable anywhere other than the U.S.

David Restored
The year-long cleaning of Michelangelo's "David" is finally complete. It's the most work to restore nude male beauty since Russell Crowe had a colonic and a full-body wax.

China Baseball
China's first professional baseball league is now in its second season, but the quality of play is still not anywhere near the U.S. Experts say the biggest problem is that pirated Chinese steroids just aren't as good as the real thing.


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