Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Bush Daughters
Now that they're finished with school, President Bush's twin daughters will work full-time for their father's campaign... proving the economy is so bad that even the president's daughters can't get a real job.

Perfect Game
40-year old Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game for the Arizona Diamondbacks last night. That means there were no hits, no runs, no errors, nor any evidence he's on steroids.

Morning After Pill
Canada is moving to make the "morning-after" birth control pill available without a prescription in every part of the country. But to work, there has to be someone in Canada worth having sex with.

9/11 Panel Urges Full Evacuation from New York City

"There's Just Too Many People Here!" Commissioners Warn

(New York) After hearing countless stories of the city's communication problems and other difficulties in responding to terror attacks, the 9/11 Commission is calling for the immediate evacuation of all of New York City.

"I've only been living here for three years, but this city is really crowded, I mean it just dawned on me after all these hearings that terrorists would be able to kill lots more people if they just kept targeting New York," said panel member Bob Kerrey, "so the other commissioners and I think it's time we take the temptation away from the extremists and just get everybody out of here," he added.

"Once we get all the people out, I can almost completely guarantee my people will be able to react better to a crisis," said New York City police commissioner Ray Kelly.

Commission chairman Thomas Kean added another reason for an evacuation.

"It looks like we're about to cut and run from Iraq, and how many Americans are there, like 200,000, tops? We've got almost 10 million people in and out of this place every day, and some of them aren't even armed. I say we all get out while we still can," Kean insisted.

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani called the idea "interesting" and suggested testing the plan by first evicting all homeless people and street vendors from the city in time for the Republican National Convention in August.

At first, the commission suggested evacuating just Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and The Bronx because of specific terror targets in each of those boroughs. But eventually, the panel members included Staten Island after they realized everyone there would be better off elsewhere even without any terror threats.


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