New Stimulus
In the face of even weaker economy, President Obama is being urged to do something dramatic to turn things around. The White House is reportedly willing, but isn't sure it can get away with killing Joe Biden.



Dundee Back
"Crocodile Dundee" actor Paul Hogan will be allowed to leave Australia after running into a tax problem in his native country. He will return to the U.S., where he has no tax problems because he hasn't worked here in 20 years.



Earl Effect
Hurricane Earl has left hundreds of people in North Carolina without power... which means they are the only people in the world lucky enough not to have to listen to news anchors shouting about Hurricane Earl.



Clooney Regrets
Actor George Clooney says the biggest failure of his life has been his inability to stop the war in Darfur. But despite the thousands killed in that war, it's obvious his biggest failure is really his one season on the "Facts of Life."



Hillary's Plea
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says both Palestinians and Israelis need to make concessions for peace. In other words, she wants the Israelis to stop defending themselves and the Palestinians to start being a little quieter when they kill Jews so nobody notices.






September 3rd


1802: William Wordsworth composes the sonnet Composed upon Westminster Bridge, September 3, 1802… and wins the award for “Laziest Title Ever.”


1803: English scientist John Dalton begins using symbols to represent the atoms of different elements… but the bigger kids still beat him up at recess.


1976: The Viking 2 spacecraft lands on Mars in hopes of safely riding out the impending Carter presidency.