California Protests
Despite some of the lowest tuitions in the country, students in the University of California system will protest their education costs across the state today. It turns out their real problem is the California high school system doesn't teach them any numbers higher than 10,000.



Census Problems
It turns out the government can't fill thousands of Census jobs because not enough applicants in large cities speak foreign languages... which is weird, because no in any American big city has spoken English since 1974.



Rangel Steps Down
The good news is Congressman Charlie Rangel is finally stepping down from his chairmanship of the Ways and Means Committee because of ethics problems. The bad news is that now he has more time to steal from us.



Controller Suspended
An air-traffic controller who let his elementary school-aged daughter instruct aircraft out of JFK Airport has been suspended. Of course, his daughter will be taking his job until the suspension is completed.



Health Bill Promise
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says passing the health care reform bill will create 400,000 new jobs right away. Most of those jobs will be at collections agencies repossesing hospitals and doctors offices.





March 4th


1493: Explorer Christopher Columbus arrives back in Europe, and all he gets Ferdinand and Isabella is a lousy t-shirt.


1789: In New York City, the first United States Congress meets, putting the Constitution into effect... and then beginning the Congressional tradition of violating it at every turn.


1972: Libya and the Soviet Union sign a cooperation treaty based mostly on killing Jews.


1997: President Bill Clinton bans federally funded human cloning research... except for hot chicks.