Kraft Snags Cadbury
Kraft has sealed a deal to buy Cadbury for $19.5 billion. Kraft will now control brands like the Cadbury Egg, Trident, and for $40 million extra, they get a chocolate-covered Conan O'Brien.



New Tiger Clubs
Nike is coming out with its latest line of Tiger Woods golf clubs. They're guaranteed for five years and 15 cases of spousal rage.



Taco Bell Founder Dies
The founder of Taco Bell has died at age 86. His remains will be spread through all the 89-cent menu items for the next three weeks.



Sugar Spike
Sugar prices are soaring to near-record levels. Mostly because Robert Downey Jr. keeps confusing it for cocaine.



Brown Ahead
Republican Scott Brown is now favored to win the Massachusetts special U.S. Senate election. Somewhere in Heaven, Ted Kennedy needs a drink.






January 19th


1511: Mirandola surrenders to the French. The French then surrender right back and start to feel like themselves again.


1993: IBM announces a $4.97 billion loss for 1992, at the time the largest single-year corporate loss in U.S. history. Today, GM loses that much every time a retired UAW member picks up his Viagra.


1997: Yasser Arafat returns to Hebron after more than 30 years and joins celebrations over the handover of the last Israeli-controlled West Bank city. In lieu of fireworks, Arafat encourages all the children to blow themselves up.