New App
iPhone sales are expected to surge this week now that's there's a new app that tells you how many yards you are from one of Tiger Woods' mistresses at any time.



Dollar Value Breakfasts
McDonald's is rolling out several new breakfast choices for $1. While this will help millions of Americans cope with the recession, it's also expected to blow up the cost of health care reform.



Times Square Shooting
An off-duty police officer shot and killed a peddler who was armed with a machine gun yesterday. The only more dangerous peddler in Times Square is the guy who sells the three-month-old hot dogs on 44th Street.



B. of A. CEO Search
Bank of New York Mellon Corp. head Robert Kelly has re-emerged as the leading candidate for the CEO job at at Bank of America. The board just has to make sure he wasn't having an affair with Tiger Woods before moving forward.




Goldman Sachs Bonuses
Goldman Sachs is not paying its top 30 executives a cash bonuses for 2009. Instead they will be allowed to continue to own every other valuable asset in America.





December 11th


1789: The University of North Carolina is chartered by the North Carolina General Assembly. Within an hour, the school's basketball team is ranked first in the AP Coaches Poll.


1936: Edward VIII abdicates as King of England, citing his desire to spend more time with other peoples' families.


1946: The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established. UN workers have been having sex with children ever since.


1962: The last legal execution is carried out in Canada. Illegal Canadian executions continue to take place on the ice during most Maple Leaf-Canadians games.