Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Uchitel to Come Clean
Rachel Uchitel is expected to admit she did indeed have an affair with Tiger Woods at a news conference later today. She didn't want to go public until she got a better book deal than the Las Vegas cocktail waitresses Tiger was also banging.

B of A Payback
Bank of America has agreed to pay back $45 billion on federal bailout money. As a result, B of A is asking all it's ATM customers not to withdraw any more than $20 at a time for the next 16 months.

Jobs Summit Today
The White House is holding a special jobs summit this afternoon... but it may need to be canceled because most of the country has recently been hired by the news media to chase Tiger Woods.

Comcast-NBC Deal
Cable giant Comcast is set to buy a controlling interest in NBC for about $14 billion. As part of the deal, Comcast assumes liability for all of NBC's debt and the inevitable mercy killing of Jay Leno.

NFL Concussion Rule
A new rule will bar pro football players who show significant signs of head injuries from returning to games and practice. The NFL realizes that the only place for people with trouble thinking and standing up straight is in the stands.

December 3rd

1818: Illinois becomes the 21st U.S. state. The legislature immediately gives dead people the right to vote.

1976: An assassination attempt is made on Bob Marley. He is shot twice, but is generally too stoned to notice.

1990: At Detroit Metropolitan Airport, Northwest Airlines Flight 1482 collides with Northwest Airlines Flight 299 on the runway, killing 7 passengers and 1 crew member. The unlucky survivors end up having to actually spend more time in Detroit.


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