Ty-D-Bowl Death
Dan Resin, the actor who portrayed the Ty-D-Bowl Man in TV ads has died at age 79. In lieu of flowers, his family is asking friends and admirers to just spray a little air freshener.



Cosby Rumors
Bill Cosby says he's tired of false rumors of his death being spread on the Internet... so he's doing the decent thing and killing himself for real.



Brutal Bank Heist
Six bank security guards were beheaded during a bank robbery in Afghanistan. The Obama administration is vowing to find the killers, just as soon as they determine if those guards were paid any bonuses for 2008.



Volt for $61K?
GM dealers across the country may add $20,000 to the $41,000 suggested retail price for the Chevy Volt. So prospective Volt buyers now have a choice between spending $61,000 for a lemon or the Charlie Rangel/Maxine Waters legal defense fund.



Escalade #1
The Cadillac Escalade is the most stolen car in America. First, the dealer robs you when you pay $61,000 for the car, and then the UAW robs you with a $65 billion taxpayer bailout.






August 3rd


8: Roman Empire general Tiberius defeats Dalmatians on the river Bathinus, thanks to reinforcements sent by Cruella De Ville.

881: At the Battle of Saucourt-en-Vimeu, Louis III of France defeats the Vikings, but fails to cover the spread.

2004: The pedestal of the Statue of Liberty reopens after being closed since the September 11 attacks, finally foiling al Qaeda’s sinister plot to stop Americans from selling crappy gift shop t-shirts for $35 a pop.