Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Padding Warning
The NFL is encouraging players to add more padding... but only when they go out clubbing with Michael Vick.

Benefits Extension
The Senate will vote to re-extend unemployment benefits today. Democrats consider it a stimulus plan for the people who write the unemployment checks.

Jamborie NYC
The annual Boy Scout Jamborie is in New York City this week. Instead of making them, travel all over the country, the organizers thought it would be nice to bring the kids right to the pedophiles this year.

Social Security Pessimism
A new poll shows that 60% of younger Americans now believe they won't ever get their Social Security benefits. The other 40% are going to the tanning salon six times a day in hopes of passing for an 80-year-old by next year.

Goldman Misses
Goldman Sachs second quarter profits disappointed investors. And now it's not clear if these smaller profits nullify the firm's long-standing deal with Satan.

July 20th

1810: Citizens of Bogotá, New Granada declare independence from Spain... then they go on a 200-year-long cocaine binge.

1933: In London, 500,000 march against anti-Semitism... reminding everyone in Germany that they should really have more anti-Semitism.

1940: President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs the Hatch Act of 1939, limiting political activity by Federal government employees. No Federal employees have done any work since.


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