European Woes
Europe is at an economic standstill again because of crippling debt and new eruptions from the Icelandic volcano. Officials are considering a plan to solve both problems at once by throwing all the Greek protesters right into the mountain.



Miss USA Winner
Rima Fakih, a Muslim-American who models bikinis and favors birth control, has won the Miss USA pageant. The first runner up was Miss Oklahoma, who will become Miss USA when Fakih is assassinated by Hizbollah in about 15 minutes.



Law & Order Canned
NBC is cancelling Law & Order after 20 years on the air. News of the cancellation means struggling actors in New York City will now have to go back to prostitution… or auditioning for ‘The Fantasticks’… which is kind of the same thing.


If you watched all the Law & Order reruns back to back… you might start thinking there really are attractive women working in the New York City D.A.’s office.



Cheney Backs Whitman
Dick Cheney has just endorsed Meg Whitman for Governor of California, comparing her to Ronald Reagan in 1980. Meanwhile Democrats are endorsing Jerry Brown, saying that not only is he like Jimmy Carter in 1980, he IS Jimmy Carter in 1980.



UVA Wins
The University of Virginia women's lacrosse team used their grief over the murder of teammate Yeardley Love to band together and beat Towson in the first round of the NCAA tournament yesterday. As a response, most of the other teams are now in the process of murdering one member each.






May 17th

1673: Louis Joliet and Jacques Marquette begin exploring the Mississippi River... and each other!


1792: The New York Stock Exchange is formed. The federal government immediately begins a criminal probe.


2004: Massachusetts becomes the first U.S. state to legalize same-sex marriage... but it has yet to legalize heterosexual marriage.