The Morning After
Stocks shot up Monday on news of the massive European bailout, but now investors are souring on the deal. It's kind of like when you see a hot European model from far away, but then realize she has bad teeth and underarm hair.



Obama Bailout Role
It turns out the huge bailout became possible after President Obama advised German Chancellor Angela Merkel that Europe needed to try something big. Then he convinced her to smoke cigarettes behind the gym after school.




Tiger Coach Resigns
Tiger Woods' golf swing coach is quitting. He stepped down when it turned out Tiger was still more interested in a totally different kind of swinging.



Spirit Seats
Spirit Airlines has installed pre-reclined seats on all its jets... except these seats recline forward so it's easier for you to bend over when the airline screws you.



Oil Spill Hearing
There'll be two hearings in the Senate today about the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The first hearing will look into what caused the spill, while the second hearing will look into how this will affect BP's campaign continuing donations to President Obama.





May 11th

1792: Captain Robert Gray becomes the first documented white person to sail into the Columbia River. He later becomes the first documented white person to venture north of 96th Street.


1942: William Faulkner's collections of short stories, Go Down, Moses, is published. The title is later pilfered by no more than 153 gay porn movies.


1960: In Buenos Aires four Israeli Mossad agents capture fugitive Nazi Adolf Eichmann. A moment of silence for Eichman is held on the floor of the U.N.