Tuesday, December 29, 2009

CIA Failure?
A new report says the CIA failed to share a report about alleged plane bomber Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab. That's because all the other security agencies were only interested in the pictures the CIA had of Tiger Woods' mistresses.

Health Stimulus
The bad news is the new health care reform bill makes it illegal not to buy health insurance. The good news is that thousands of new prison guard jobs will be created when millions of Americans get jailed for not buying health insurance.

Cellphone Hack?
A German hacker claims to have cracked the encryption that protects most cellphone calls, potentially paving the way for others to eavesdrop on conversations. This poses a serious threat to anyone who doesn't want to die of boredom listening to everyone's stupid cellphone calls.

Bag Tax
Consumers in Washington, D.C. will now have to pay a tax on paper and plastic shopping bags. The only bags not taxed in Washington are the ones used stuffed with bribes to members of Congress.

Corvette Recall
General Motors is recalling 22,000 Chevrolet Corvettes, because of potentially leaky roofs. Unfortunately, American taxpayers can't recall GM for its definitely leaky balance sheet.

December 30th

1066: A Muslim mob storms the royal palace in Granada, crucifies Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela and massacres most of the Jewish population of the city. Then the mob appeals to the UN to stop the "cycle of violence."

1919: Lincoln's Inn in London admits its first female bar student. But the experiment is deemed a failure as 90 years later, we have come to the conclusion that female lawyers are just as crappy people as male lawyers.

1936: The United Auto Workers union stages its first sit-down strike. No one in the UAW has bothered to get up since.

2006: Saddam Hussein is executed by hanging. He is spared having to see the 1,500 lousy anti-Iraq war movies that Hollywood has produced since.


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