Volt Panned
Consumer Reports says GM's Chevy Volt isn't worth the money. It's not clear whether it means the $41,000 sticker price or the $25 billion we already paid to bail GM out.



Wisconsin Budget Battle
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker will announce deep layoffs for state workers in his budget address this afternoon. But Walker will be hiring more cleaners to get the smell of those protesters out of the state capitol.



Hu's Our Daddy?
China now owns $1.16 trillion of U.S. debt. Luckily, the Obama administration has a plan to pay it all back by imposing a cocaine sales tax at Charlie Sheen's house.



Bell Latest
An administrator for the city of Bell, California says she didn't think there was anything illegal about the huge loans she authorized for other city officials. She also says she saw nothing strange about the fact that they all asked for the money to be placed in unmarked bills underneath a loose floorboard at City Hall.



Gomes Dies
Harvard Chaplain Peter J. Gomes has died at age 68. Naturally, Harvard is replacing him with Ozzy Osbourne.




March 1st


1700: Sweden introduces its own Swedish calendar… which is the same as every other calendar, except it has pictures of hot Swedish chicks for every month.


1966: The Ba'ath Party takes power in Syria… but the number of Syrians actually taking baths remains at extremely low levels.


2002: The peseta is discontinued as official currency of Spain and is replaced by the far more valuable cheeto.