B of A: No Way!
Bank of America is refusing demands to buy back $47 billion in mortgage loans... and it's not taking back the toasters and the calendars either.



Gay Soldiers
The Pentagon is telling military recruiters to accept openly gay applicants. Which means the former cast of "Cats" can get back to work!



Mass Shortages
Massachusetts is now facing a severe shortages in 10 medical specialties... mostly because there aren't enough psychiatrists to treat everyone who voted for Barney Frank.



Foreclosure Probe
The FBI is now trying to determine whether the financial industry may have broken criminal laws in the mortgage foreclosure crisis. Meanwhile, the banks are looking into firing anyone who didn't break criminal laws in the mortgage foreclosure crisis.



New Cardinals
Pope Benedict XVI has named 24 new cardinals, including a large number of Italians, two Americans and a utility infielder from the Dominican Republic.






October 20th


1740: Maria Theresa takes the throne of Austria, France, Prussia, and the Olive Garden.


1803: The United States Senate ratifies the Louisiana Purchase… mostly in hopes of acquiring newer and better prostitutes.


1979: The John F. Kennedy library is opened in Boston, Massachusetts. The largest section is dedicated to volumes on venereal disease.