Thursday, August 25, 2011

Brown's Plan
Governor Jerry Brown has unveiled his new jobs plans for California. It starts by advising everyone to look for work in Arizona.

Mental Health Day
A California state official insisted going to the Golden Globes Awards, and getting the taxpayers to pay for it, was essential to his mental health. It turns out he was right, the psychoactive drugs they were handing out at the awards this year were really top notch!

Vaccination Study
An extensive new report confirms that vaccinations for children are extraordinarily safe and have no link at all to autism or any other disease. But they cannot keep kids safe from Jenny McCarthy.

No Help from Ben
The growing consensus is Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will make no dramatic announcement of anything approaching the new stimulus Wall Street has been hoping for. Bernanke reportedly will tell the markets that he won't give them more cash no matter how much they ask for it because they'll probably just "shoot their eyes out."

Japanese PM Quits
Prime Minister Naoto Kan is resigning after almost 15 months in office. He is taking a new job teaching American politicians the concept of shame.

August 26th

1789: The French government approves the Universal Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen... except for people who drink white wine with beef.

1920: The 19th amendment to United States Constitution takes effect, giving women the right to vote... for the same kind of schmucks the men had been voting for since 1789.

1978: Pope John Paul I is elected to the Papacy. The 2nd and 3rd place cardinals get a year's supply of turtle wax.


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