Thursday, March 25, 2010

Cheating on Bullock
The list of women claiming affairs with Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James continues to grow. It must come as a shock to Bullock that a guy with 100 tattoos and used to be married to a porn star turned out to be a scumbag.

Health Care Exemption
It turns out Members of Congress gave themselves an exemption and won't have to join the insurance exchanges mandated by the new health care law. In fact, their health insurance is so good, the Tea Partiers have decided it's no longer any fun to threaten to put them in the hospital.

Public vs. Private Pay
Government workers are now averaging 45% more per year in salaries than private workers. This is why you can't ever find someone working at the post office, they're all too busy going to the bank.

New Mortgage "Relief"
A new housing plan from the Obama administration will cut payments for the unemployed and those 'underwater' on their mortgages. And for the Americans who were smart enough not to buy a house they couldn't afford... they get to have their tax money used to bail those people out along with the folks not smart enough to buy health insurance.

KSM Warning
On a new audio tape, Osama bin Laden warns that he will kill Americans if Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is executed... he'll kill all the Americans who haven't killed each other over the health care bill that is.

March 26th

1953: Jonas Salk announces his polio vaccine. He is retroactively sued for causing autism by nude model Jenny McCarthy.

1976: Queen Elizabeth II sends out the first email... she immediately receives dozens of responses offering her discount Viagra.

1979: Anwar al-Sadat, Menachem Begin and Jimmy Carter sign the Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty in Washington, D.C. For Jews, this is seen as a lasting peace. For Arabs, this is considered a 15 minute timeout before getting back to killing Jews.

1999: The "Melissa worm" infects Microsoft word processing and e-mail systems around the world... meaning those programs crash slightly more often than they usually do.

1999: A jury in Michigan finds Dr. Jack Kevorkian guilty of second-degree murder for administering a lethal injection to a terminally ill man and three fans of the Detroit Lions.


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