Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Sports Gal's Wicked World of Revenge

(Parody by Jake Novak)

After seeing my husband ruin too many days, nights, weekends, vacations, anniversaries and every other important moment of an adult woman's life with his ridiculous obsession with sports, fantasy leagues, gambling, and archaic moments in 1980's teen movies, I've decided to leave the Sports Guy.

But a simple divorce, wherein I and the Sports Kid leave him to spend even MORE time with his idiotic buddies, is hardly a punishment. So I'll need to bundle the breakup with an ultimate act of revenge. I'm going to have to have several affairs that will leave the Sports Guy in perpetual pain, embarrassment and sadness. And of course, I will be taping over each and every one of his favorite TiVo moments with video evidence of each and every one of these affairs with all the sordid sexual acts in close-up. I'll also have to have a hidden camera in the house so I can see the look on his face as he watches all of the sexual acts as he hopes against hope that at least one of his "lifetime TiVo saves" hasn't been lost forever. The look on his face will definitely be a million times better than the way the detective looked at the end of "The Usual Suspects" when realizes he just let Keyser Soze out the door.

The Sports Guy says he hates "top 10s," so of course, below is the list of the top 10 affairs I plan to have to leave Bill in tatters.

10. Mark Cuban

The Sports Guy is obsessed with this overgrown tween idiot. But the best part would be imagining Bill's reaction when Cuban stops during the act a million times to flail around and complain about how "I'm not doing him right." Then it'll only get worse as I apologize each time and keep trying to change things around to please him. That's utter hilarity right there.

I know Cuban is a billionaire, but someone tell me if this guy gets women and if so, how? Guys who look like him usually only have a chance with women if it turns out they're really the emotionally giving, sweet, wise-beyond-their-years types like the "Shermanator" pretended to be in "American Pie." But Cuban is so obviously unhinged, there's no way a woman could have sex with him and not be afraid of getting stabbed once she fell off to sleep. This sexual encounter would be higher on the list if it weren't for the fear factor on my part.

9. Dale Sveum

We do it in the 3rd base coach's box at Fenway while he circles his right arm wildly the entire time. I finish the whole tumble with a loud, "Ooh Dale you're bringing me home, baby!", shout that shatters the Citgo sign.

Oh yeah, and leave it to a bunch of lame sports fans to make sure a sign for a friggin' bankrupt GAS STATION chain gets landmark status because it happened to be visible for years behind an outfield wall. Why don't they make it a law that the puke fans spewed on the street outside Fenway after horrific Sox losses has to be laminated and sent to Cooperstown? God, what a bunch of losers.

8. Michael Keaton, (post Batman)

It's bad enough I have to hear Bill obsess about obscure jocks most of the time, but when he goes on and on about faded movie stars it really gets to be too much. Michael Keaton is one of the thorns that he just can't pick out of his side. I want the Sports Guy to cringe as I straddle the scruffy, overweight Michael Keaton circa 2001. And in the throws of passion, I yell something about how much I loved "First Daughter."

7. Rebecca Lobo

I'm a little ambivalent about this one, because most guys love watching lesbian sex. But I figure sleeping with one of the tallest, scariest, and ridiculously bad-toothed WNBA players of all time would be sweet based on how much Bill has dogged the league all these years. But I'm still not sure this would hurt him more than actually making him watch an entire WNBA game.

6. Pedro Martinez

Another one of those guys Bill has been ambivalent about over the years. The kicker on this one is I let Pedro do me for hours on end and every time Grady Lidle tries to take Pedro out of the bedroom, I yell for him to let Pedro stay just a little longer. Of course, Pedro does eventually tire out and gets relieved by an ineffective Tim Wakefield.

5. Larry Bird

Hear me out on this one. I know Bill loves Larry Legend, but it hurts the most when you're betrayed by one of your idols. Of course, I have to do Larry in his mustachioed, long haired, big-butted look circa 1982. He totally looked like the one guy in the 70's porn movie that didn't get any. Just to bring up more bad memories, the whole scene would get punctuated by Larry taking breaks to ease his aching back by lying on his belly on the floor by our bed for several minutes at a time.

4. David Ortiz

I have to do something to at least take some of the sweetness out of the 2004 World Series win. Yelling out "Ooh Big Papi!!!" 100 or so times would be a must, but I would also have to say things like: "What are all those syringes in bag for?" and "You sure have a lot of track marks on your ass." Then he'd have to hem and haw, but eventually admit he's on the juice and always has been. Nothing like the steroid bugaboo to throw doubt over everything.

3. All of Bill's lame friends, including Jimmy Kimmel

I can't let the Sports Guy even come close to trying to get consoled by his stupid friends after I'm gone. I want it to be so awkward that he never even mentions them again, let alone hangs out with them. Just to make it even more uncomfortable, Hench will accidentally call out Bill's name while he's doing me. The ultimate double embarrassment.

2. The '86 Mets

Letting Keith Hernandez do me while he calmly moans, "I'm Keith Hernandez, is a no-brainer, but what about screwing Sid Fernandez, who's gotta be well over 400 pounds by now, and STILL letting him be on top? The Strawberry-Gooden double-team is another obvious one, but imagine the Sports Guy's face when I soul kiss Lenny Dykstra while he still has a mouth full of chaw! And of course, I still let Buckner have a guest spot and do me for sloppy seconds, or thirty-seconds, or whatever we're up to at that point.

By the way, what's the deal with guys being into seeing women have sex with multiple partners, but never actually wanting to be in a Male-Male-Female threesome themselves? I mean, I understand guys not wanting to see guy-on-guy sex because they don't want to participate, so why do they WANT to see guy-guy-girl sex? It's pretty much a complete mystery, like how "7th Heaven" stayed on TV for 10 years.

Actually, having sex with this entire team really has to be thought out a little more. I should be at a bar with the whole team and calmly shoot down every one of their passes until I say it's time to go. But just before I get out the door to join a waiting Calvin Schiraldi, I let Gary Carter, Kevin Mitchell, and Ray Knight kiss me. Then the floodgates open when Mookie Wilson beats me to the door. THEN the whole team starts doing me before Buckner gets his cameo. So perfect.

1. Bucky Dent

With this one I can bring back the earliest pain. The first heartbreak is the worst because it sets the tone for the rest of your life. We'll have to resurrect the late Bill White to call the play-by-play as Mike Torrez brings Bucky to the bedroom and just sheepishly leaves him there. Guys like Dennis Leary and other Boston icons will have to be live witnesses as Bucky grabs a corked condom out of the night table drawer and makes quick work of me. I've got good odds in Vegas that the Sports Guy commits suicide after he sees this one.

No you can't die in peace Bill. Not ever.


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