Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lou is Coming
Lou Dobbs is headed to Cancun to cover the U.S.-Mexican-Canadian summit. As a result, millions of Mexicans are now illegally streaming across the southern border to Guatemala.

French Riots
Paris police are now using water cannon to disperse young rioters... it's the first bath most of the protesters have had in weeks.

French Riots II
The French police water cannon vehicle has two nozzles; one shoots Evian, the other Perrier.

As he announced his resignation Tuesday morning, White House Chief of staff Andrew Card quoted the Bible... which is fitting, since thanks to him we're now living through the Apocalypse.

Dis-Carded II
After more than five years in the White House, Andrew Card says the time was right to return to private life... especially now that rich people don't have to pay taxes anymore.

Dis-Carded III
Card says he wants to return to "private life"... but to be any more private and secretive than he was in the White House, he'd have to move to Guantanamo Bay.

Weinberger Dies
Former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger has died at age 88. Weinberger first became interested in the military and armed conflict as a boy, when he dreamed of getting back at his parents for naming him "Caspar."

Israeli Elections
The results are in from the Israeli elections... and it looks like Ehud Olmert's comb-over has been resoundingly defeated.

Israeli Elections II
Voter turnout in today's Israeli elections was extremely low. Just like Americans, Israelis just don't know who to vote for without advice from Simon Cowell.

Taylor Escapes
Liberia's former leader Charles Taylor has disappeared from custody in Nigeria. The brutal dictator finally got the courage to escape when he heard there was a job opening for White House Chief of Staff.

Barkin Join Ocean's
Ellen Barkin has joined the cast of the new movie "Ocean's 13." In this sequel, the gang will reunite to steal Ron Perelman's money.

New Show
"The Practice" and "Ally McBeal" creator David Kelly is producing a new Sci-Fi series for ABC. The show is about aliens who land on Earth disguised as horny lawyers.

Big Unit Suit
Yankee pitcher Randy Johnson is going to court to try to pay less child support to a woman he fathered a child with 16 years ago. Legal experts are doubtful the case will succeed; any woman willing to sleep with Randy Johnson deserves to be lavishly compensated for the rest of her life.


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