Thursday, December 22, 2005

Drilling Denied
The Senate has voted to block oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Opponents say it would have endangered the environment... and the polar bears kept demanding 50% of the profits.

Canadian Sex Ruling
The Canadian Supreme Court has lifted a ban on ‘swingers’ clubs, saying group sex is not a threat to decent society. It is however a threat to decent hygiene.

Canadian Sex Ruling II
The Canadian Supreme Court has lifted a ban on ‘swingers’ clubs. The judges agreed that at these gas prices, group sex might be the only affordable way to keep warm this winter.

Katrina Not Category 4
A new study shows that Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast as a Category 3 storm, meaning New Orleans was spared storm's worst fury. Actually, the worst was reserved for Michael Brown and the Bush administration.

Pirro Poops Out
Westchester District Attorney Jeanine Pirro has ended her bid to unseat U.S. Senator Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the rigors of a statewide campaign were getting in the way of her twice-daily collagen injections.


Still Suffering
After two days of a transit strike, New Yorkers continue to deal with horrific traffic, crowded conditions, and inept municipal leaders. Well, at least now we know what it's like to live in Paris.

Union Sympathy
Union leader Roger Toussaint says New Yorkers should sympathize with the TWU's struggle to keep its pension benefits. The only problem is that most New Yorkers don't know what a pension is.

Top 5 Transit Strike Survival Tips

5) When stuck behind slow-walking pedestrians, walk up right behind them and yell "BEEP!!"

4) Lure the required 3 passengers into your car with signs promising coffee, bagels, and absolutely no Ashlee Simpson on the radio!

3) While waiting on the one-hour lines at Penn Station, pass the time by imagining what it would be like if you had free healthcare

2) Walk into Macy's and see if they have any leftover floats from the Thanksgiving parade you can ride on

1) If you need help, ask an MTA official or a TWU member... and then punch them very hard in the face

Toussaint's Tirade
TWU chief Roger Toussaint compared the transit workers' struggle to what Rosa Parks faced in Alabama 50 years ago. Well, Rosa may have been forced to the back of the bus, but at least the damn thing was running!

Toussaint's Tirade II
TWU chief Roger Toussaint says trying to preserve the union's current pension deal for future transit workers is "protecting the unborn." As soon as they heard that, thousands of anti-abortion whackos joined the picket line.

Fines Adding Up
A state Supreme Court Justice has found the Transit Union in contempt of court and is prepared to levy fines of up to $1 million a day. And in a move to gain further public support against the strike, the judge ruled that the daily fines would be added to this Saturday's Lotto jackpot.

Judge Threatens Jail
A state Supreme Court Justice says he may throw transit union leaders in jail for authorizing the strike. But if he wants to put them in a confining and dangerous place, he can just send them to Penn Station at about 5:30 p.m.


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