Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Pentagon Denial
The Pentagon continues to angrily attack journalist Sy Hersh, calling his New Yorker article alleging that Iran is next on President Bush's target list "outlandish" and "outrageous"... "and so crazy that it just might work."

Melania's Gown
Vogue magazine says Melania Knauss' wedding dress cost more than $100,000, took 28 seamstresses more than 1000 hours to make, and uses almost 300 feet of material.... oh no wait, that's what it took to make Donald Trump's hair.

New Job
Patrick Lawler, the construction worker who didn't realize he had a nail lodged in his head, says he doesn't want to be a construction worker anymore. Of course after his experience, he's the perfect choice to be the new Chairman of the Democratic National Committee!

Top 10 Working Titles for the new Donald Trump Broadway Musical

10) "Lame!"

9) "How to Not Succeed in Business Without Really Trying"

8) "Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Construction Workers"

7) "Outrageous Rent"

6) "Hair?"

5) "The Best Little Whore in Business"

4) "Les Miserables Casinos"

3) "The Phantom of Bankruptcy Court"

2) "Beauty and the Beast"

1) "The Lying King"

Inauguration Security
Soldiers are blanketing the streets of Washington D.C., snipers are perched on every rooftop, civilians are being subjected to extensive searches, and all business has been virtually shut down. It's just the Bush administration's way of making all the troops on leave from Iraq feel at home.

Big Plane
Europe's Airbus has just unveiled the world's biggest-ever passenger plane, with room for 840 passengers. Usually to get that many Europeans crammed together in one place you have to hold an anti-American demonstration.

WorldCom Case
The judge in former WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers' trial has ruled the defense can quiz the government's star witness about marital infidelity. Experts say the defense strategy is the height of hypocrisy, especially since Ebbers was screwing millions of WorldCom shareholders for years.

Rice Hearings
Condoleezza Rice's Secretary of State confirmation hearing began with Rice saying that a U.S. exit strategy from Iraq is "directly proportional" to Iraq's ability to defend itself against terrorists after this month's election...Which is the fancy way of saying: "We're never getting out of there."

Emails from Paris
A hacker recently got access to Paris Hilton's Blackberry and was reading her private e-mails. But no charges will be filed because you can't invade the privacy of someone who is not interested in having any privacy.

Some Suggestions on Beating the Cold from America's Leading Celebrities

Brad Pitt: "Spend the night with Angelina Jolie."

John Ashcroft: "If you run out of firewood, The Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and The Declaration of Independence make great kindling!"

Howard Dean: "Get yourself into a warming frenzy by reading off the names of all the states in the union."

Paris Hilton: "Sleep with one or two more strangers than you usually do each night."

Bernie Kerik: "Damn, Paris Hilton took my idea!"

Liza Minnelli: "First, polish off a nice case of Scotch, then start beating your husband and bodyguards until you forget about the
cold ."

Ted Kennedy: "I like the first part of Liza's suggestion, but after the Scotch, why not just take a nice drive?"

Halliburton Executives: "Build yourself a nice shelter out of all the supplies we're not providing the troops in Iraq."

Barbara Boxer: "Demand a hopeless investigation into why the sun is not getting its fair representation in your area."

Donald Trump: "Surround yourself with a group of even colder people; making you look and feel warmer."


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