Monday, January 17, 2005

Iran Next?
Journalist Seymour Hersh says he has evidence the U.S. is planning a possible attack on Iran. But the White House says there is no reason for such an attack because President Bush has already won re-election.

Top 5 Reasons the U.S. Won't Invade Iran

5) Don't have time to teach President Bush how to pronounce a whole new list of foreign names and places

4) The whole Iraq thing didn't boost the stock market as much as we hoped, so why try again?

3) Too tough to bomb Tehran without hitting all the Halliburton executives

2) Government needs to bring more troops home to deal with irate seniors upset about Social Security

1) What, and risk pre-empting "Desperate Housewives?"

Brien's Misses
After missing two potential game-winning field goals, some psychologists are worried about New York Jets kicker Doug Brien's mental state and what he might do to himself. Of course the best way to ensure Brien doesn't kill himself is to have some of the Jets fans shoot him first.

Pittsburgh Ballet Cutbacks
The Pittsburgh Ballet is starting some cutbacks to help overcome its $1 million deficit. The first thing it's doing is taking away all the meals the dancers just end up throwing up anyway.

Gay Weapon
The Defense Department now admits it considered creating a poison gas that would spur opposing troops to homosexual activity. But the Pentagon rejected the project when it realized it could get the same results simply by having Barbra Streisand perform behind enemy lines.

Top 5 Things Mahmoud Abbas is Telling Hamas to Help Stop Terror Attacks

5) "One more bombing, and you can forget about going to any of Prince Harry's parties"

4) "Don't make me bring Suha out of hiding"

3) "Free iPods for every militant who doesn't kill anyone this month!"

2) "If you guys don't cool it back there, I'm turning this explosive-rigged car right around and we're going back home!"

1) "I'm going to give every telemarketer your cell phone numbers"

Golden Globes Perks
Because the stars are served free alcohol during the ceremony, the Golden Globes are often hyped as an event where "anything can happen." But experts say if you really want to see Hollywood celebrities acting unpredictably, try not serving them any booze for three hours.

Nazi Ban
The European Union is considering banning Nazi symbols to combat growing Anti-Semitism. But experts say the EU should spend its time discussing things that Europeans are actually more likely to support, like banning soccer.


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