Friday, March 12, 2004

Spain Explosion
Experts believe the train bombing in Madrid could be the result of the combined efforts of Basque separatists and Al Qaeda. The merger means at least 65 terrorists will be laid off this fiscal year.

Kerry Comment
Republicans are demanding that John Kerry apologize for describing his GOP critics as “crooked” and “lying.” Kerry responded by saying: "You know, I am sorry, what was I thinking? I forgot to call you guys 'stupid' too."

Disney Gate
Disney will build secured iron gates at the Disneyland Resort next fall. The gates will be closed every time there's a terrorist threat or angry Disney shareholders come looking for Michael Eisner.

Congress Increases Cap on FCC Indecency Fines to $2.4 Trillion

Deficit-Busting Move Approved Overwhelmingly

(Capitol Hill) In a stunning move, the House and Senate voted to increase indecency fines for broadcasters by the exact same spending amount as the annual budget passed earlier in the day.

"Stunts like televised nudity and sex on the radio are becoming more dangerous to our future than the national debt, so we thought it was time to make the two pay for each other," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert.

The move is expected to spell doom for the nation's biggest broadcasters, including CBS-parent Viacom. But some lawmakers aren't so sure.

"Look, they were wrong when they said the multi-billion dollar settlement with the tobacco companies would bankrupt all the cigarette-makers, and I can promise you that America is a lot more addicted to 'T and A' than nicotine any day," said Massachusetts Democrat Edward Markey. "Howard Stern will keep broadcasting, I'm sure of that... only now every fart joke means another pre-schooler is getting a hot lunch," he added.

Congressional Budget Office accountants are working along with FCC commissioners to present affordable month-to-month payment plans and alternative remittance programs for cash-strapped broadcasters.

"The folks at Clear Channel Communications have already given the Bush Administration about a trillion dollar's worth of broadcast support, and we think its competitor's could learn a lot from that, especially when the alternative is going out of business," added FCC Chairman Michael Powell.

Unnamed Congressional sources say the fine-based deficit reduction movement on Capitol Hill probably won't stop with the media. "We're looking at slapping fast food restaurants, SUV owners, and gay marriage-performing mayors next, " said one aide.


Post a Comment

<< Home