Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Skull and Bones Problem
According to its rules, if the secret society Skull and Bones is mentioned, members of the group must immediately leave the room. But you can still get society members George W. Bush and John Kerry out of the room faster if you mention cutting social security benefits or use the word "intern."

Bond Too Tall
From now on, anyone applying to be an agent in the British intelligence service cannot be taller than 5 feet 11, and that would rule out James Bond, who's always been portrayed as 6 feet or taller. Another new rule would also rule out James Bond; it's the one that says agents shouldn't contract any more than 15 sexually transmitted diseases.

UCLA Scandal
The cadaver-selling scandal at UCLA is widening. It turns out the men allegedly responsible sold hundreds more bodies than originally thought, including three sophomores who fell asleep in Biology class.

Bush to Push for Defense of Celebrity Marriage Bill

"Wholesome but Brief" unions must be protected, says Prez

(Washington) In a move to bolster his fight to defend heterosexual marriage, President George W. Bush is calling on Congress to pass a new bill guaranteeing irresponsible celebrities the right to frivolously marry and divorce at least three times a year.

"When Britney Spears gets married to some guy for 26 hours in Las Vegas, it reminds us that love can happen in an instant... and more importantly it shows that Britney probably isn't gay," said the President.

Conservative moralist Bill Bennett is joining in the battle. "Hey, as long as they're heterosexuals, I think celebrities should be allowed to marry whomever they like. Besides, betting on how long Nicholas Cage's next marriage will last is a lot more fun than the craps table," Bennett said.

During the announcement, the President was flanked by Angelina Jolie, Liza Minnelli, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jennifer Lopez, who got together and broke up with Ben Affleck and Marc Anthony three times each during the 20-minute press conference.

The President cited what he called "historical evidence," when he also asked Senators and House members to add a clause protecting phony studio marriages arranged to help keep gay stars closeted.

"When Rock Hudson married the broad from Universal Studios it may have been a sham, but it really helped the world avoid discussing his homosexuality for a long time," Mr. Bush said, "and it made all those movies he made with Doris Day so much more enjoyable."

The bill is expected to sail through both Houses of Congress, as soon as the conference committee tacks on an amendment allowing members of Congress the same privileges and another 13% "cost of living" congressional pay raise.


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