Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Kerry Challenged
The White House is challenging John Kerry to publicly say which international leaders are quietly supporting his campaign. It's not that the Republicans don't believe Kerry, it's just that they're hoping he can help President Bush learn how to pronounce all those foreign names.

Powerball Winner
Tom and Pam Rivers of Salem, Indiana are the sole winners of the $89 million Powerball Lottery. At today's press conference, the ecstatic couple talked of how winning the jackpot will finally help them fulfill their dream of buying 89 million lottery tickets.

Fed Decision
The Federal Reserve Board has decided to keep key interest rates frozen at 1%. That's angering thousands of loan sharks across the country who were hoping to get a bump on their popular "Prime Plus 50" home equity loan package.

Libyan WMD
Federal officials are now displaying a few examples of the tons of nuclear weapons gear retrieved from Libya. Well, that's what the U.S. government calls it... everyone else is more correctly calling it the "used microwave oven section at Wal-Mart."

Bloomberg Re-Enrolls in the 3rd Grade

Vows to Put "Money Where My Mouth is" on Social Promotion Policy

(New York) In an extreme move meant to prove there will be no exceptions to his policy to eliminate social promotion, 61-year old New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg joined the 3rd grade class at P.S. 6 in Manhattan earlier today where he vows to remain a full-time student at least until passes the Reading Comprehension and Math tests this June.

"City parents and teachers will need to get used to the fact that students are going to be left back, sometimes several times," said the Mayor as he struggled to fit until a small desk in the middle of Mrs. Reggio's classroom, "and I've promised all New Yorkers, even the 8-year old ones, that I wouldn't ask them to do anything I wouldn't be willing to do myself."

Skeptical reporters who treated the decision as a ridiculous stunt were challenged by Mrs. Reggio.

"Actually, I've seen the Mayor read a number of speeches in the last few years, and it's pretty clear he could use my help with his phonics," Reggio insisted, "and young man, if you're going to chew gum, you better have some for the rest of this class," she said to one inconsiderate journalist.

The New York Post welcomed the news in a banner front page editorial, but it also threw a cloud of scandal over the affair by reporting that unnamed student sources told the paper that Bloomberg was hogging all the good swings at recess.


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