Friday, March 26, 2004

I-95 Collapse
A tanker truck explosion on I-95 in Bridgeport has almost destroyed an elevated stretch of the highway. Connecticut Governor John Rowland says the best and fastest work crews will be rushed to the scene... just as soon as they finish working on his house.

Weekend Movies
If you go to see a new movie this weekend, you'll either see "Jersey Girl," "The Ladykillers," or "Scooby Doo 2"... but enough about the latest terrorism threats.

Clarke Warned Administration of "Bennifer" Threat in 2001

Memos were Tragically Ignored, Says Former Counter terrorism Czar

(Washington) Dealing yet another stunning blow to the Bush administration, former counter terrorism chief Richard Clarke told a Congressional committee that he repeatedly warned his superiors about the looming threat of a relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, beginning in 2001.

"I want to apologize to the hundreds of Americans who paid to see "Gigli," and the millions of others who were unable to get real news because of endless coverage of Affleck and Lopez's dangerous relationship," Clarke admitted at the beginning of his opening statements. "Your government failed you, I failed you, and the nation's most annoying publicists failed you too."

Clarke says he began informing National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice about the potential threat of the two talent-challenged performers joining forces just after the new administration took office in 2001.

"Ms. Rice just kept saying the administration didn't have a policy on how to handle it," explained Clarke, "and she also put too much stock in Lopez's then-relationship with Puff Daddy... she had blinders on, she thought it would last" he added.

The White House acted swiftly to refute Clarke's accusations even as he was still testifying.

"From the moment I took office, I was uniquely concerned with the dangers posed to this nation by Affleck and Lopez. Anyone who would insure their own ass for a billion dollars is a serious threat to our strategic, economic, and religious values, and I was concerned for our country" said a stern President Bush from the Oval Office.

But the administration is also using the hearings as an excuse to tout its accomplishments in the continuing War on Bennifer, and to remind the public that the Clinton White House had numerous chances to quash the threat but failed.

"The first documented meeting between Affleck and Lopez was in 1998 at an Afghan restaurant in Brentwood," said Vice President Dick Cheney at a hurried news conference, "the Clinton administration had a chance to bomb the restaurant, but we're told it backed off when told of the potential collateral damage to one of Barbra Streisand's favorite boutiques on San Vincente Boulevard," he added.

"Meanwhile we have successfully used illegal wire taps to suppress most positive reviews of Affleck and Lopez's work before they can be published," claimed Attorney General John Ashcroft at the same news conference. "We couldn't stop 'Gigli' from being released, but the reviews were so bad, we probably saved millions of Americans from the excruciating pain," Ashcroft added.

Other administration officials are burning the airwaves in an attempt to discredit Clarke personally.

"Look, we all know 'Jersey Girl' is coming out this weekend," said a smiling Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at his daily Pentagon hearing, "the national fear over that film alone is putting any mention of the War on Bennifer in the spotlight, so you have to take it all with a grain of salt," he added.


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