Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Bush Gay Marriage
President Bush announced today that he will support a Constitutional amendment banning Gay marriage. The President said he was reluctant to make the move, but "something had to be done to keep Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia from seeing each other."

High school teachers say the essay requirement in the new SAT is plunging thousands of their students into severe "writing anxiety." But it still doesn't match the anxiety their parents will feel when they'll write the checks to their kids' colleges.

New feature! Tomorrow's headlines... today!


Movie unfairly depicts them as brutal; could provoke anti-Romanism

(Rome, Italy) Thousands of ancient Romans staged a public protest today against Mel Gibson's new film "The Passion of the Christ." The Romans say the movie portrays them as cruel and ignorant, and alternating between committing acts of senseless violence and just allowing Jews to tell them what to do.

"First there was 'Gladiator,' and now this," said Marcus Claudius Tiberius Germanicus Augustus Nero, president of "People for the Appian Way," who led the protest. "This is the worst movie I've seen since MCMLXXXIV," he added.

Gibson responded to the protest with skepticism, complaining that the ancient Romans obviously hadn't even seen the film, mostly because they've all been dead for about 1,500 years.

In a separate story, the family of an former ancient Roman governor of Palestine is suing several gyms and spas across the country for unlawfully using their ancestor's name for the "Pilates" workout program.


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