Jake's Comedy Corner

2011-12-12T00:23:00.000-01:00

Losing Fans
Movie audiences have shrunk to 10-year lows. Which means Hollywood can get away with continuing to remake all the movies we're not seeing now.

Obama Promise
President Obama is now promising that unemployment will be down to 8% by election day... and back up to 10% the days after when he and his whole administration are out of work.

Lowe's Move
Lowe's has stirred major controversy after pulling its commercials from a reality show about Muslims in America and there's talk of a boycott. This should really boost sales at Mosque Depot.

iPad3?
Tech experts say the iPad3 is coming out in February. That's just in time for all the geeky kids to recover from waiting in line for the latest "Twilight" movie.

Putin Protests
Anti-Putin protests are growing across Russia... otherwise known as "mass suicide."

December 12th

627: A Byzantine army under Emperor Heraclius defeats Emperor Khosrau II's Persian forces... but fails to cover the spread.

1098: The First Crusade's Massacre of Ma'arrat al-Numan – Crusaders breach the town's walls and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism... but other than that, it was a really nice day.

1917: Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys... and boys who would otherwise have gone to Penn State.

2011-12-11T01:22:00.000-01:00

December 11th

1282: Llywelyn the Last, the last native Prince of Wales, is killed at Cilmeri. He probably should have known something was up when he got the whole "the Last" name and all.

2001: The People's Republic of China joins the World Trade Organization... and immediately pirates all of its products.

2006: Felipe Calderon Hinojosa, the president of Mexico, launches a military-led offensive to put down the drug cartel violence in the state of Michoacan. Then all the troops take a break to get stoned.

2011-12-10T10:40:00.000-01:00

December 10th

1508: The League of Cambrai is formed by Pope Julius II, Louis XII of France, Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor and Ferdinand II of Aragon. Its stated purpose was to form an alliance against Venice, but it was really mostly about fantasy football.

1899: Delta Sigma Phi Fraternity is founded at the City College of New York. It immediately starts hazing pledges by forcing them to spend a week in New Jersey.

1902: Women are given the right to vote in Tasmania... in a desperate attempt to try to get some women to move to Tasmania.

2011-12-09T10:39:00.001-01:00

December 9th

1905: In France, the law separating church and state is passed. It quickly becomes almost as popular as the law separating French people from deodorant.

1953: General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company… they all later get jobs at GM.

1966: Barbados joins the United Nations. Just by coincidence, the UN schedules its December meetings in Barbados.

2011-12-07T17:44:00.001-01:00

Pipeline Connection
Republicans are willing to extend the payroll tax holiday if President Obama stops blocking the heavy job-creating construction of the Keystone Pipeline. The President has strongly rejected the idea because he only wants Americans to get a payroll tax cut, he never said anything about getting them on a payroll.

Texting Law
Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood wants a national law against texting while driving. It turns out its really dangerous to text people about how drunk you are when you'r the FAA chief and driving on the wrong side of the road.

Corzine Testimony
Jon Corzine will appear before a Congressional committee looking into the collapse of his MF Global hedge fund. Corzine is expected to offer every member of the committee his usual offer: the truth or a new campaign donation.

Baldwin Sorry
Alec Baldwin is apologizing to his fellow passengers after he delayed an American Airlines flight Tuesday during a dispute with a stewardess. Apparently, Baldwin got upset when he was told he was too big to keep his ass as a carry on item.

Mars Old Water
Scientists have found new evidence of ancient water on Mars... it was something very old beings used to drink called "Perrier."

December 8th

1854: Pope Pius IX proclaims that the Virgin Mary was born free of original sin... and without a condom.

1916: The Brookings Institution, one of the United States' oldest think tanks, is founded. And as soon as they think of something, they'll let us know.

1987: Frank Vitkovic shoots and kills eight people at the Australia Post Office building in Melbourne, putting all of America's less deadly post office shooters to shame.

2011-12-06T18:10:00.000-01:00

DC Jobs
The Washington, DC area's jobless rate remains much lower than the national numbers at 6.1%. Of course, the rate of people in Washington who are actually WORKING at their jobs is about 3.1%.

Online Spending
Consumers spent $18.7 billion online in the first month of the holiday season... mostly buying pepper spray to protect themselves for that one time they do have to step foot in the mall.

Newt in the Red
Newt Gingrich's campaign is $1.2 million in debt... which is about what it costs each month to get all his ex-wives to keep shutting up.

Citi Job Cuts
Citigroup is cutting 4,500 jobs. The bank is getting so understaffed, it's asking its top customers to make their own risky stupid investments.

Baldwin Booted
Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight yesterday for not turning his cell phone off. Wait a minute, you mean there are still people who want to talk on the phone with Alec Baldwin?

December 7th

43 BC: Marcus Tullius Cicero is assassinated. His killers remain unknown because no one said nothing to the cops.

1965: Pope Paul VI and Patriarch Athenagoras simultaneously lift mutual excommunications against each other... and then finally announce that they are dating.

1988: Yasser Arafat recognizes the right of Israel to exist... so he can bomb it.

2011-12-05T18:07:00.000-01:00

New Planet
Astronomers have discovered an Earth-like planet 600 light years away that appears to be able to sustain human life. Don't get too excited, it probably needs a bailout too.

New Planet II
Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet 600 light years away that appears to be able to sustain human life. But astronomers aren't getting too excited, because they know the girls there probably won't want to date them either.

Cocoa Crash
Chocolate prices are down 42% from this time last year... Mostly because Jerry Sandusky is no longer allowed to give so much of it away.

Abortion Pills for All!
The FDA is considering putting the "morning after pill" on drug store and supermarket shelves as an over the counter item. And to make sure people buy it, A & P is going to stock in the Beer and Wine aisle.

Olympic Price Tag
Security for the London Olympics this summer is now expected to cost $1.6 billion. Most of that money will be spent to send all the soccer hooligans to France for two weeks.

December 6th

1790: The U.S. Congress moves from New York City to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania... mostly to cater to the growing Congressional "scum bag factor."

1933: U.S. federal judge John M. Woolsey rules that the James Joyce's novel Ulysses is not obscene... thus dooming millions of American 11th grade English students to read the book for generations to come.

1971: Pakistan severs diplomatic relations with India following a bad taxi accident on 45th and Madison.

2011-12-05T10:39:00.001-01:00

Postal Cuts
The Post Office is set to announce major service cuts today... and since the details of these cuts are so vital, it's sending them to all the major newspapers via FedEx.

Yahoo! Blue
The Wall Street Journal reports that the 14,000 workers at Yahoo! are looking for other jobs. Morale is so low, even the exclamation point is applying for a gig at Facebook.

Volt Fix
GM is working feverishly to fix the defect in the Chevy Volt that could lead the car to burst into flames... otherwise known as when Volt owners set fire to that lemon so they can collect the insurance money.

Obama Demand
President Obama wants Americans to call your Congressman to demand he or she votes to keep the payroll tax cut in place. He also wants Americans to call Selena Gomez to see if she likes him.

Angry Wife
Police are looking for a Palm Springs woman who tried to sever her husband's penis with a scissors this weekend. Cops don't have a sketch of the suspect, but they say she answers to the alias, "Mrs. Herman Cain."

December 4th

63 BC: Cicero gives the fourth and final Catiline Orations... but unlike the first three, this one is not part of the final exam.

1776: At The College of William and Mary, Phi Beta Kappa is founded... and as soon as a William and Mary student is smart enough to qualify, it'll really be something.

2006: Commodore Frank Bainimarama overthrows the government in Fiji... shocking billions across the world who had no idea there even was a government in Fiji.

2011-12-04T12:13:00.000-01:00

December 4th

1783: At Fraunces Tavern in New York City, US General George Washington formally bids his officers farewell... then he tragically loses all their email addresses.

1943: President Franklin D. Roosevelt closes down the Works Progress Administration, because of the high levels of wartime employment. This marks the last time a government program that had lost all usefulness was actually shut down.

1991: Pan Am goes bankrupt and ceases operations. It's been 20 years and still no one has the heart to tell all the Pan Am passengers stuck at JFK gate 33.

2011-12-02T17:58:00.000-01:00

December 3rd

1927: Putting Pants on Philip, the first Laurel and Hardy film, is released. The sequel, Taking Pants off Philip, came out in 1977 and was an entirely different kind of film.

1976: An assassination attempt is made on Bob Marley. He is shot twice, but the bullets become lost forever somewhere in his dreads.

1992: An engineer for Sema Group uses a personal computer to send the world's first text message. It is the first and last text message not to contain the terms "OMG" or "LOL."

2011-12-01T18:17:00.000-01:00

iPhone Controversy
Pro Choice activisits are enraged because the "Siri" feature on the new iPhone will not tell you where the nearest abortion clinic is. They're also angry because instead, Siri tells male users to "try a condom next time" and female users to "stop being such a skank."

American Bankruptcy
It turns out bankrupt American Airlines's creditors may only get 10 cents on the dollar on a $30 billion in debt... and to get to those payments the bill collectors will first have to change at O'Hare.

Volt Buyback
GM is offering to buy back the Chevy Volt from anyone who is worried the car may have safety issues. But first GM is going to need to find someone to buy the chevy volt.

A La Carte Internet
Several cable companies are now planning to eliminate monthly internet fees and charge everybody based on how much data and video they download. This can only mean one thing: people are going to start buying porn magazines again!

Chinese Protests
Massive protests continue to occur at several Chinese factories. The workers want their pay doubled to 4 cents a day.

December 2nd

1848: Franz Josef I becomes Emperor of Austria... beating out the other three finalists who got fewer votes on Facebook and Twitter.

1939: New York City's La Guardia Airport opens. The airport's first customers are still looking for parking.

1988: Benazir Bhutto is sworn in as Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman in that nation to stand before large crowds for reasons other than just getting stoned to death.

2011-11-30T20:30:00.000-01:00

Obama NYC Fundraisers
President Obama raised more than $2 million in three Manhattan fundraisers last night... and the resulting traffic and security nightmares only cost New York City $30 million worth of police overtime.

Crowded City
President Obama's three Manhattan fundraisers took place on the same night as thousands of people jammed into Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas Tree lighting. So in both cases, lots of people came to New York to see an over-hyped piece of wood.

Pot Rules
Two governors have asked the DEA to reclassify marijuana so doctors can prescribe it more... especially on election day.

Cal State Pay
Cal State is postponing a decision on how much to increase the pay of its top administrators... at least until most of its students can count that high.

Boeing Deal
Boeing and the machinists union have finally made a labor deal which should lead to more production... in China.

December 1st

1420: Henry V of England enters Paris. Luckily, he was wearing a condom.

1964: Malawi, Malta and Zambia join the United Nations... mostly to use the bathrooms at the UN headquarters.

1973: Papua New Guinea gains self government from Australia, and is thus able to dissassociate itself entirely from the Bee Gees.

2011-11-29T18:00:00.000-01:00

Egypt Elections
Radical Islamists are leading so far in the Egyptian elections. That means the next time we'll see large crowds gathering in Tahrir Square, it'll be for a public stoning.

S&P Slam
S&P has downgraded six major U.S. banks because they have too much exposure to Europe. Of course, a little air freshener should fix that.

Bad Teacher
The former Philadelphia public school chief who got a $1 million buyout this year is still filing for unemployment benefits. She's also heading to several school yards and shaking down the 2nd graders for their lunch money.

Unoccupied
Police have cleared out the "Occupy Los Angeles" encampment and the movement seems dead. Most of the protesters plan to return to doing what they did before: camping out for "Price is Right" tickets.

Euro Crash Preps
Most major corporations all over the world are feverishly working on plans to react to the end of the euro currency... mostly by paying their executives outrageous bonuses before it's too late.

November 30th

1864: Confederate General John Bell Hood mounts a dramatically unsuccessful frontal assault on Union positions in Franklin, Tennessee, with Hood losing six generals, a third of his troops, and all of his Hank Williams albums.

1982: Michael Jackson's Thriller is released... thus ending Michael Jackson's usefulness on Earth.

1998: Exxon and Mobil agree to merge... mostly to corner the market on dirty gas station bathrooms.

2011-11-28T17:36:00.000-01:00

Frank Quitting
After 30 years in Congress, Barney Frank is retiring. He says he now realizes his dream job would be to work as an assistant coach at Syracuse or Penn State.

Bail Out Europe?
President Obama says the U.S. is willing to "do its part" to help Europe avoid an economic crisis... which means we'll show them our secrets on how to borrow more money from China.

Groupon Crash
After an initially strong IPO, Groupon shares have been plummeting for more than a week now. This is because every time the company tries to sell its stock for $13 a share, someone issues a Groupon for the stock at $6.50!

Egypt Elections
Turnout has been very high in the Egyptian elections... but only because the people think they're voting on the best ways to stone their wives and kill Jews.

Meyer Cashes In
Urban Meyer is getting $40 million to coach Ohio State for 6 years. Ohio State students would be able to figure out how much that is per year, if it weren't for education cuts that are being made so the school can pay Urban Meyer.

November 29th

800: Charlemagne arrives at Rome to investigate the alleged crimes of Pope Leo III, and see if they were properly reported by Joe Paterno.

1947: The United Nations General Assembly votes to partition Israel into two sides: the normal people and the maniacs.

1963: President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission to investigate... and cover up his involvement in... the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

2011-11-27T13:23:00.000-01:00

Indian Fight
A huge controversy is brewing in India after the government invited foreign supermarket chains into the country. The people are outraged that none of the new stores will have a express checkout aisle for 12,000 items or less.

Dream Act Fight
Legal immigrants are fighting the plan in the Maryland Dream Act that allows the children of illegal immigrants in-state tuition breaks at the University of Maryland. In fact, native born Marylanders think seducing kids to go to the University of Maryland is cruel too.

New Medicare Chief
Patient advocacy groups are protesting the Obama administration's nomination of Marilyn Tavenner to head Medicare and Medicaid. It's not because Tavenner is not a doctor, it's just that most of her training is as an undertaker.

Fine Fired
Syracuse University has fired assistant coach Bernie Fine on charges of child molestation. He's also been whistled for "reaching in."

Moody's Warning
In a new report, the Moody's rating agency said the European debt crisis may end up threatening the credit standing of all 17 countries in the EU. It's almost scary enough to make some people in Europe think about getting a job!

November 28th

1095: Pope Urban II appoints Bishop Adhemar of Le Puy and Count Raymond IV of Toulouse to lead the First Crusade to the Holy Land... mostly because they were the only two men in Christendom willing to ask for directions how to get there.

1814: The Times in London is for the first time printed by automatic, steam powered presses, signaling the beginning of the availability of newspapers to a mass audience... so that one day, millions of us could find out the latest about the Kardashians.

1984: Over 250 years after their deaths, William Penn and his wife Hannah Callowhill Penn are made Honorary Citizens of the United States. Immediately afterward, the IRS puts a lien on their estate.

2011-11-27T13:16:00.000-01:00

November 27th

176: Emperor Marcus Aurelius makes his son Commodus Supreme Commander of the Roman legions... it was either that or give him that dangerous BB gun he wanted for Christmas.

1830: St. Catherine Laboure experiences a vision of the Blessed Virgin standing on a globe, crushing a serpent with her feet, and emanating rays of light from her hands. Stuff like this happened every time she dropped LSD.

1839: In Boston, Massachusetts, the American Statistical Association is founded. But it quickly disbands when each member determines they have less than a 1 in 500 chance of getting a date.

2011-11-26T11:24:00.000-01:00

November 26th

783: The Asturian queen Adosinda is put up in a monastery to prevent her kin from retaking the throne.. but also to stop her from dating that older guy with the tattoo.

1917: The National Hockey League is formed... mostly to give Canadians a better excuse for not having teeth.

1922: Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon become the first people to enter the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun in over 3000 years. There they find the Pharaoh's remains and overpriced coffee table books and postcards for sale.

2011-11-24T10:18:00.000-01:00

Black Friday Fight
Police are looking for the woman who used pepper spray on her fellow shoppers during a "door buster" sale at Walmart this morning. Of course, she probably just went back to her job at UC Davis.

"Occupy Christmas?"
The "Occupy" movement is now planning several protests at major shopping centers starting today. Disrupting the stock market is one thing, but when they mess with people on food stamps who are trying to get an XBox at Walmart, there's going to be a major beat down!

Solar Slant
China is complaining that U.S. government aid for American solar companies is really hurting foreign competitors... but not as much as it hurt Solyndra.

November 25th

1758: In the French and Indian War, Fort Duquesne is taken away from French control... making Pittsburgh safe for American football.

1783: The last British troops finally leave New York City three months after the signing of the Treaty of Paris. They would have left sooner but traffic was backed up as usual on the FDR Drive.

1999: The United Nations establishes the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, encouraging Arab member countries to spend that day beating and stoning their children instead.

2011-11-24T09:59:00.000-01:00

November 24th

1941: The United States grants Lend-Lease weapons to the anti-Nazi French... all two of them.

1950: The town of Pickens, West Virginia records 57 inches of snow, severely endangering that year's mud crop.

1969: The Apollo 12 command module splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean... but the crew's luggage is lost at the Denver airport.

2011-11-22T17:55:00.000-01:00

China Slowdown
China's manufacturing sector is reporting major slowdowns. In a relates story, the UAW is continuing it tour of several Chinese factories.

Fed Test
The Fed is going to test the big U.S. banks to see if they could withstand a European economic collapse. Luckily, the guy giving the test is Jon Corzine.

SAT Cheating
20 students are now accused in a major SAT cheating ring in New York. While the kids have lost any chance of getting into a great college, they're now all being accepted to the training program at Goldman Sachs.

Obama About Face
Less than 24 hours after browbeating the Republicans for not cutting the deficit, President Obama resumed his campaign tour pushing for more spending. Then he broke Sasha's piggy bank to buy Joe Biden an iPhone.

Dead Sea Evidence
New evidence suggests the Dead Sea Scrolls were probably written by the Essenes, an extremely obscure ancient Jewish sect that believed in the purity of water, wearing white clothing, and voting Republican.

November 23rd

534 BC: Thespis of Icaria becomes the first recorded actor to portray a character onstage... and hold up an entire production because his dressing hut wasn't big enough for him.

1644: John Milton publishes Areopagitica, a pamphlet decrying censorship. It is wildly popular until readers find out there are no nude pictures.

2007: MS Explorer, a cruise liner carrying 154 people, sinks in the Antarctic Ocean. There are no fatalities... except for the pancake buffet and the bridge tournament.

2011-11-21T18:46:00.000-01:00

Fur Ban
The city of West Hollywood has banned the sale of fur. Now the only unintelligent animal you can exploit in that town is Kim Kardashian.

Debt Failure
The leading financial ratings agencies say the failure of the deficit supercommittee won't lead them to make another U.S. downgrade after all. That's because they can't find a rating lower than "pathetic.".

No Answers
The investigation into a bullet train crash in China last summer that killed 40 people has come and gone with no public report on what led to the disaster. In a totally unrelated story, 40 new livers and hearts are now for sale!

Volkswagen Goal
The CEO of Volkswagen America says he wants to sell 1 million vehicles in the U.S. every year... which he'll do as long as he sells Toyotas.

Legislated Luggage
Congress is considering a bill to ban airlines from charging fees for checked bags. That will clear the way for Congress to impose a new tax on checked bags.

November 22nd

1307: Pope Clement V instructs all Christian monarchs in Europe to arrest all Templars, seize their assets, and take away their free WiFi.

1943: Lebanon gains independence from France... but as it turned out, it was really more like France gaining independence from Lebanon.

1973: The Italian Fascist organization Ordine Nuovo is disbanded due to lack of refreshments.

2011-11-21T00:02:00.000-01:00

Water is Bad
Because environmentalist politicians hate the bottled water companies, it is now illegal in Europe to say that drinking water can help you avoid dehydration. It might work, we all know that Europeans already believe that showering regularly doesn't make you cleaner.

iPhone Tops
The iPhone is now the #1 smart phone for people who travel on the job. The BlackBerry remains the #1 smart phone for people who are going nowhere.

Terror Arrest
The NYPD has arrested Manhattan's Jose Pimentel for making bombs and being a fan of al Qaeda... which makes him only slightly crazier than someone who makes bombs and is a fan of the Mets.

Buffett on Europe
Warren Buffett says he doesn't think the euro currency will survive... so naturally he's asking all Americans to pay more of Greece's taxes.

Oakland Conflict
It turns out Oakland Mayor Jean Quan's husband has been working closely with the out-of-control "Occupy Oakland" protesters Quan has been battling for weeks. Of course, this probably means Quan's husband has been pretty unsuccessful trying to occupy his wife lately.

November 21st

1783: In Paris, Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and François Laurent, Marquis d'Arlandes, make the first untethered hot air balloon flight... which is kind of ironic because on land, they all really loved getting tied up.

1964: The Verrazano-Narrows Bridge opens to traffic... exposing millions of New Yorkers to the horrors of Staten Island.

1985: United States Navy intelligence analyst Jonathan Pollard is arrested for spying after being caught giving Israel classified information on Arab nations... and his mother's guarded chicken soup recipe to that annoying Mrs. Nussbaum across the street.

2011-11-20T10:41:00.000-01:00

November 20th

1789: New Jersey becomes the first U.S. state to ratify the Bill of Rights... and it would have done it even sooner if it hadn't been for all the usual traffic on the Turnpike.

1820: An 80-ton sperm whale attacks the Essex near Nantucket. The whale mistook the ship for a condom.

1969: The Cleveland Plain Dealer publishes explicit photographs of dead villagers from the My Lai massacre in Vietnam. But there is no reaction as readers mistake them for tramautized Indians and Browns fans.

2011-11-18T17:12:00.000-01:00

November 19th

1095: Pope Urban II convenes a council to discuss sending the First Crusade to the Holy Land, and whether or not the Crusaders should bring a jacket.

1950: General Dwight D. Eisenhower becomes supreme commander of NATO... finally showing up his brother who used to beat him every Saturday playing Risk.

1990: Pop group Milli Vanilli are stripped of their Grammy Award because the duo did not sing at all on the Girl You Know It's True album. But they are allowed to keep the prize money provided they promise to keep not singing on their next album too.

2011-11-17T18:45:00.000-01:00

Faster than Light
A new experiment proves there is such a thing that's faster than the speed of light. Hint: it ain't New Jersey Transit.

Small Donors
President Obama is getting more contributions than ever from middle class and poor donors. That's what happens when you all the rich people move to Canada.

Confidence Poll
A new poll shows that 56% of Americans would give Pres Obama a vote of "no confidence." The other 44% are just confident that he'll remember the nuclear codes better than Rick Perry.

Monti's Plan
Italy’s new Premier Mario Monti, has a new plan to reform the nation's finances and spur growth... it's called: "moving to Germany."

Woods Case Reopened
Police are re-opening their investigation in the 30-year-old drowning death of Natalie Woods. About 300 fish are being brought in for a lineup.

November 18th

1905: Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway. Denmark gets a king to be named later.

1961: President John F. Kennedy sends 18,000 military advisors to South Vietnam... then immediately attempts to date all their wives and girlfriends.

1991: Shiite Muslim kidnappers in Lebanon release Anglican Church envoys Terry Waite and Thomas Sutherland... then look for new hostages that wouldn't eat quite as much.

2011-11-16T18:31:00.000-01:00

Bing's Alarm
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing says the city will run out of all money by April. Of course, he's just saying that in hopes the city's criminals will go rob some place else.

Syria Suspended
Syria has now been suspended from the Arab League. From now on, it will have to do all its Jew-hating on the amateur circuit.

Occupy Riot
The "Occupy Wall Street" protesters plan to disrupt subway service this afternoon. That'll teach all those millionaires and billionaires who take the D train to Brooklyn every day!

Cal State Tuition
California State University trustees have just voted to raise tuition by 9%. It's getting so expensive, it's almost not worth cutting class to protest tuition hikes anymore!

China's Anger
China is angry about President Obama's plans to build a massive new U.S. Marine base in Australia. The Chinese are worried they won't be able to make enough iPods, computers and cell phones to sell to all those troops in time.

November 17th

1871: The National Rifle Association is granted its first charter by the state of New York... mainly because New York had the most people worth shooting.

1947: The U.S. Screen Actors Guild implements an anti-Communist loyalty oath... obviously, no actor has ever taken it.

2004: Kmart Corp. announces that it is buying Sears, for $11 billion, a tragic mistake since it could have bought for half that at the doorbuster sale just a week later.

2011-11-15T17:15:00.000-01:00

$15 Trillion!
The U.S. debt total will cross $15 trillion today. But on the bright side, we really have a lot of credit card rewards points.

Facebook Attack
Facebook is scrambling to contain a widespread hack attack that is putting violent and pornographic images on many users' profile pages. Oh wait... that's not a hack attack, it's just people posting stories about Penn State.

Pension Problem
The federal agency that guarantees private sector pensions has a $26 billion deficit... which makes no sense since the last private sector worker in America who got a pension died in 1957.

Apple Sales
Apple says sales of iMacs were up a surprising 19% in October. If this keeps up, the company may ask new CEO Tim Cook to die too.

Solyndra Coverup
Department of Energy emails show the it was pushing Solyndra to keep the news about its layoffs quiet until after the 2010 midterm elections. Meanwhile, the White House is sending emails to the news media pushing to keep the fact that President Obama is a fraud quiet until after the 2012 elections.

November 16th

1849: A Russian court sentences Fyodor Dostoevsky to death for anti-government activities; his sentence is later commuted to just having to read all of his own books in one semester.

1945: The United States Army secretly admits 88 German scientists and engineers to help in the development of rocket technology, and tutor all the guys on the Army football team.

1997: After nearly 18 years of incarceration, the People's Republic of China releases pro-democracy dissident Wei Jingsheng from jail for medical reasons... "medical reasons" being code for ripping out and selling his kidneys.

2011-11-14T18:14:00.000-01:00

Occupy Cleared
The NYPD finally moved in and cleared the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zuccotti Park this morning. But the younger protesters are being offered a place to stay at Jerry Sandusky's house.

Occupy Cleared II
The NYPD finally moved in and cleared the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zuccotti Park this morning. The cops say they were just waiting for a sufficiently powerful air freshener.

New Rules
The protesters will be allowed back in the park but without their tents, heaters, and delusional sense of entitlement.

Pipeline Change
TransCanada has agreed to alter the route of the planned Keystone oil pipeline. To make everyone happy, the pipeline will now run straight up Julia Louis-Dreyfus' butt.

NBA Peril
The NBA player's union has rejected the final offer from the league and the entire season will most likely be canceled. So now if people want to see a bunch of overpaid deadbeat dads running around on TV, they'll just have to watch C-Span.

Buffett's Moves
Warren Buffett is making a huge investment in Intel. It turns out he needs more powerful computers to help him keep avoiding the taxes he wants raised on everyone else.

November 15th

1969: The Soviet submarine K-19 collides with the American submarine USS Gato in the Barents Sea. Then the Soviet sub leaves without exchanging insurance information.

1969: In Columbus, Ohio, Dave Thomas opens the first Wendy's restaurant. Its first heart attack victim is stricken the next day.

1985: A research assistant is injured when a package from the Unabomber addressed to a University of Michigan professor explodes. Making that actually the least worst day in the life of a college reseatch assistant.

2011-11-14T10:36:00.000-01:00

iCloud Out
Apple's iCloud service suffered an unusual outage Friday afternoon... So Apple users were forced to wait a few hours before they could resume making fun of BlackBerry users.

Sandusky Gets Paid
Disgraced Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky is still receiving a $59,000 per year state pension. He's also still claiming 115 dependent children on his tax return.

Health Care Push
The White House will unveil a plan today to spend $1 billion to create more health care jobs... mostly by giving that money to anyone willing to wash the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Pelosi Defense
Nancy Pelosi is denying a "60 Minutes" report accusing her of "soft corruption." But her claims that she didn't profit from a credit card company deal would go a lot further if her entire face weren't made of plastic.

Mrs. Cain Speaks
Herman Cain's wife says the sex harassment claims against her husband don't ring true... especially since he hasn't touched her in 27 years.

November 14th

1770: James Bruce discovers what he believes to be the source of the Nile... and then plagiarizes it.

1889: Pioneering female journalist Nellie Bly begins a successful attempt to travel around the world in less than 80 days. Now, people are happy to get through the security line at JFK in less than 90 days.

1995: A budget standoff between Democrats and Republicans in the U.S. Congress forces the federal government to temporarily close national parks... forcing most of the nation's homosexuals to have sex in gas station bathrooms.

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2011-11-13T11:54:00.000-01:00

November 13th

1851: The Denny Party lands at what would become Seattle, Washington... then they are eaten by the Donner Party.

1956: The United States Supreme Court declares Alabama laws requiring segregated buses illegal; now everyone riding city buses gets to suffer together.

2011-11-11T17:47:00.000-01:00

November 12th

1555: The English Parliament re-establishes Catholicism... mostly to score some sweet Notre Dame season tickets.

1793: Jean Sylvain Bailly, the first Mayor of Paris, is guillotined... making him the best Mayor of Paris to date.

1998: U.S. Vice President Al Gore signs the Kyoto Protocol. After the signing, he claims to have invented the pen.

2011-11-10T17:32:00.000-01:00

Keystone Cop Out
Despite a desperate need for construction jobs now, the Obama team is delaying a decision on building the Keystone oil pipeline for another year... mostly because those construction roadblocks could slow the President down as he heads to all his re-election campaign fundraisers.

Pot Crackdown
Cities in California now have the legal right to shut down medical marijuana clinics... but only if they want to force every nearby Taco Bell out of business.

Berkeley Shut Down?
"Occupy Cal" protesters are vowing to shut down the campus next week... until the university meets their demands or at least until midterms are over, whichever comes first.

Occupy Shooting
The Mayor of Oakland says the "Occupy" protests should end because someone was shot near the protesters' encampment last night. But by that logic, the city should have shut down the Raiders games years ago!

Panetta Warning
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says sweeping military cuts would 'invite aggression' from abroad... although not as much as we would invite by re-electing Barack Obama.

November 11th

1675: Gottfried Leibniz demonstrates integral calculus for the first time, and thus flunks half of Germany in the process.

1805: 8,000 French troops attempt to slow the retreat of a Russian and Austrian force... but then start retreating with them as usual.

1992: The General Synod of the Church of England votes to allow women to become priests. No word yet on when it will extend the same privilege to men.

2011-11-09T16:39:00.000-01:00

Paterno Out
Joe Paterno is out as head coach of Penn State football. The school's board also fired Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and God.

Reation Riot
When Penn State students and fans heard of the firing, they took to the streets and overturned a news van. That's opposed to what they would have done if they had won the national championship, which is turn over TWO news vans.

Ramos Kidnapped
Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos has been kidnapped near his home in Venezuela. It's not clear if the kidnapping was a crime or just a new form of free agent signing by the cash-strapped New York Mets.

Bernanke Meets the Troops
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke woke up early this morning to greet some returning troops from overseas at 3am. Considering this economy, Bernanke wanted to personally ask them to guard his house.

Care Cuts
28 states have cut their mental health care funding by $1.7 billion. They plan to release all their mental patients and let them join Occupy Wall Street.

November 10th

1293: Raden Wijaya is crowned as the first monarch of Majapahit kingdom of Java... mostly because he was the only one who could pronounce the name of the place.

1969: Sesame Street debuts on PBS. Millions of American kids instantly become gay.

1984: The first Breeders' Cup takes place at Hollywood Park Racetrack. Sadly, the event draws hundreds of perverts who try to breed with horses.

2011-11-08T22:33:00.000-01:00

Heavy D Dead
When Michael Jackson died, LA County tried and convicted his doctor. Now that rapper Heavy D has died, a warrant is out for the arrest of Chef Boyardee.

Wiring America
The FCC is launching a $4 billion plan to get computers and high-speed internet to poor people... because everyone has a Constitutional right to porn.

Gambling in NJ
New Jersey voters have approved a ballot measure making sports betting legal. Of course the biggest sports gamble in New Jersey is parking a new car outside the Prudential Center in Newark.

Fur Ban
West Hollywood has banned the sale of fur coats... mostly because it gets in the way of all the cocaine dealers.

Caught on Mic
There's been little backlash after President Obama and French President Sarkozy were caught on an open mic saying nasty things about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. There is however, a massive uproar over the fact that one of them revealed the winner of this year's "Survivor."

November 9th

1282: Pope Martin IV excommunicates King Peter III of Aragon. King Peter retaliates by peeing in the Communion wine.

1697: Pope Innocent XII founds the city of Cervia. With a Pope founding it, it was a lovely place... but the nightlife really sucked.

1967: First issue of Rolling Stone Magazine is published. Most of its pages are immediately torn out and used as rolling papers.

2011-11-07T18:10:00.000-01:00

November 8th

1895: While experimenting with electricity, Wilhelm Röntgen discovers the X-ray... and what's underneath his secretary's blouse.

1965: Britain abolishes the death penalty, which explains why most English dentists are still alive.

1973: The right ear of John Paul Getty III is delivered to a Rome newspaper together with a ransom note. But this being Rome, no one bothered to open the package for three weeks.

2011-11-06T09:54:00.000-01:00

China Balks
China is reconsidering loaning any money to Europe. The government realizes that if it wants to throw billions of dollars away on a bunch of flamboyantly dressed losers, it could just buy the New York Mets.

Keystone Cop Out
The Obama administration wants to delay its decision on allowing the Keystone oil pipeline until after next year's election... because while millions of Americans need jobs now, the White House really doesn't want to upset Darryl Hannah and Barbara Streissand.

CIA Watching Us
The AP reports that a large number of CIA agents are monitoring Facebook and Twitter. It's good to know they're taking a break from tracking down nukes in Iran so they can look at baby pictures and posts about belly button lint.

Tax Reversal
Senate Democrats have abandoned their demand for a new "millionaire's surtax." They are replacing that with something called the "campaign fundraising letter."

LSU Wins
In a rare #1 vs. #2 regular season college football battle, LSU beat Alabam 9 to 6. Incidentally, 9 and 6 were also both teams' average SAT scores.

November 7th

1893: Women in the U.S. state of Colorado are granted the right to vote... mostly because all the men were getting tired of sleeping outside.

1967: President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Public Broadcasting Act of 1967, establishing a home for boring crap no other network would ever put on.

1983: A bomb explodes inside the United States Capitol. No people are harmed, but an estimated $250,000 in damage is caused when Congressman Charlie Rangel soils his custom-made pants.

2011-11-06T09:27:00.000-01:00

November 6th

355: Roman Emperor Constantius II promotes his cousin Julian to the rank of Caesar, entrusting him with the government and the Prefecture of the Gauls, but still doesn't let him stay out after 10.

1528: Shipwrecked Spanish conquistador Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca becomes the first known European to set foot in Texas... and the last; since then they've all had to pretend they were from Lousiana and hoped everyone would buy it.

1965: Cuba and the United States formally agree to begin an airlift for Cubans who want to go to the United States... and vote Republican in Florida.

2011-11-04T16:29:00.001-01:00

November 5th

1811: Salvadoran priest José Matías Delgado, rings the bells of La Merced church in San Salvador, calling for insurrection... and announcing the church's fall bake sale.

1995: André Dallaire attempts to assassinate Prime Minister Jean Chrétien of Canada. He is thwarted by a secret serviceman offering him a Tim Horton's donut and a Molson.

2007: China's first lunar satellite, Chang'e 1 goes into orbit around the Moon... but it soon breaks off orbit when it realizes it can't pirate and reproduce the Moon for 15 cents each in a slave labor factory.

2011-11-03T17:30:00.000-01:00

Bank Transfer Day
Anti-bank protesters are urging all Americans to take their money out of their banks tomorrow and deposit them in a credit union instead. This is either going to hurt the banks or help them make trillions in ATM fees.

Obama Admonishes Europeans
At the G20 Summit, President Obama is telling European leaders to get their financial house in order. Then he asked them for $15 trillion to pay our debts.

Kodak Trouble
Kodak is facing bankruptcy soon unless it can make a deal with its creditors. But investors are hopeful, because you'd think that if anyone would have compromising pictures of bankers, it'd be Kodak.

Corzine Got a Pass
Reports show that Jon Corzine used his political experience to convince regulators to ease off their concerns about MF Global... because everyone knows that the people who manage money most responsibly in America are politicians.

NBA Union Mutiny
With no end in sight to the NBA lockout, 50 top basketball players are considering leaving the union... they just need a few weeks to get all their unions tattoos erased.

November 4th

1922: British archaeologist Howard Carter find the entrance to Pharaoh Tutankhamun's tomb... they immediately set up a King Tut gift shop.

1960: At the Kasakela Chimpanzee Community in Tanzania, Dr. Jane Goodall observes chimpanzees creating tools... and thus is forced to report them for union violations.

1973: The Netherlands holds its first-ever "Car Free Day." Luckily, it's held at the same time as the first-ever "Everybody Smoke Pot Day"

2011-11-02T15:02:00.000-01:00

Greece Trap
Just this morning, three members of the Greek cabinet have resigned. The country is so broke, they each had to agree to take their severance payments in souvlaki.

Hit and Shout
Two Occupy Oakland protesters were accidentally hit last night by a man driving a Mercedes. The demonstrators almost lynched the driver until they realized that the only people rich enough to have a Mercedes are members of the teachers union.

Afghan Pullout
President Obama wants to pull the troops out of Afghanistan faster than planned. It turns out he'll need those soldiers to protect him when he admits he invested all our tax money with Jon Corzine.

Cancer Study
A new study shows that lack of physical activity leads to colon cancer. In other words, if all you do all day is sit on your ass, eventually your ass will stop working.

Obama and God
President Obama says God wants America to pass the Obama jobs bill. Actually, God just wants Obama to stop trying to steal his job.

November 3rd

361: Emperor Constantius II dies of a fever... which is what happened when you run around in a toga all day.

1812: Napoleon's armies are defeated at the Battle of Vyazma... but they still get into the playoffs via the wildcard.

1997: The U.S. imposes economic sanctions against Sudan... and they will go into effect as soon as Sudan gets an economy.

2011-11-01T16:42:00.000-01:00

Loving Taxes
The Archbishop of Canterbury says he supports the idea of a "Robin Hood Tax" on all stock transactions. But only because it's allowed under Shariah law.

French Trip
President Obama arrives in France today for the G20 summit. His aides are already telling Greece he doesn't carry any spare change.

Card Reversal
Bank of America will no longer charge that $5 debit card fee. Customers will now just have to sit through 10 minutes of commercials every time they use an ATM.

Dodger Sale
Frank McCourt has finally agreed to sell the Los angeles Dodgers. He decided to cash out when he heard he could still invest his money with Jon Corzine.

Crash Landing
A Polish airline made an emergency landing in Warsaw yesterday. To make sure no one was injured during the landing, the pilots ejected all the passengers over the Atlantic Ocean.

November 2nd

1960: Penguin Books is found not guilty of obscenity in the Lady Chatterley's Lover case... but it is found liable for the disgusting things every 6th grade boy in America did while reading the book for the previous 20 years.

1965: Norman Morrison, a 31-year-old Quaker, sets himself on fire in front of the river entrance to the Pentagon to protest the use of napalm in the Vietnam war. The whole incident really puts a damper on the scheduled Pentagon employee barbeque later that day.

1966: The Cuban Adjustment Act comes into force, allowing 123,000 Cubans the opportunity to apply for permanent residence in the United States. Just by coincidence, 122,000 of them happen to be very good utility infielders.

2011-10-31T16:20:00.000-01:00

Medical Waste
A new report shows that Americans get $6.8 billion worth of unnecessary medical tests per year. In fact, doctors performed 15 unnecessary breast and gynecological exams on Jessica Alba last month alone.

Cain Claims
Herman Cain is denying two claims of sexual harassment against him. On the bright side, he now has Bill Clinton's endorsement.

Stock Disease
A new study shows that following volatile stock markets causes heart disease. Luckily, most of the people who work on Wall Street have no hearts.

Corzine Payment
Despite plunging the MF Global investment firm into bankruptcy, CEO Jon Corzine could get a $9 million severance package. Actually, any payment that keeps him from running for office again would be worth it for everybody.

Perry Tax Plan
The liberal Tax Policy Center says Rick Perry's flat tax plan would reduce federal tax revenues by $1 trillion by 2015. That's enough money to pay for a whole week of Charlie Rangel's dinners and his resulting colostomy treatments.

November 1st

1886: Ananda College, a leading Buddhist school in Sri Lanka is established with 37 students... but most of them flunk out when they are unable to achieve total consciousness on the midterm.

1950: Pope Pius XII claims Papal Infallibility... but then loses all credibility when he picks the Pirates to win the World Series.

1959: Jacques Plante of the Montreal Canadiens becomes the first goaltender to wear a protective mask... sadly, he forgot to wear his protective cup.

2011-10-31T09:38:00.000-01:00

Axelrod Lashes Out
Top Obama advisor David Axelrod says the Republicans are destroying the economy on purpose... and he insists the President is only doing it by accident.

Corzine Crash
Jon Corzine's MF Global hedge fund is about to file for bankruptcy. Who could have guessed that the guy who once ran the well-financed and fiscally disciplined state of New Jersey wouldn't work out on Wall Street?

Social Security Emergency
Social Security will lose $250 billion by next year if President Obama is able to extend the payroll tax holiday as he proposes. But that won't matter because of all the old people who will be killed by Obamacare.

Jersey Snow
Much of New Jersey remains without power after Saturday's freak snow storm. You know it's really bad, because even the Real Housewives of New Jersey are all sharing one hair dryer.

Pakistani Sesame Street
The U.S. government is giving Pakistan $20 million to fund a local version of Sesame Street. In the Pakistani version of the show, Ernie's rubber duckie is actually a plastic explosive.

October 31st

1864: Nevada is admitted as the 36th U.S. state. It's official state flower is syphilis.

1959: Lee Harvey Oswald attempts to renounce his American citizenship in Moscow. He is told to come back with something the Soviets want... like soft toilet paper.

1961: Joseph Stalin's body is removed from Lenin's Tomb... just so that Lenin doesn't get lonely, Stalin's body is replaced by the 20 million dead people Stalin killed.

2011-10-30T10:50:00.000-01:00

October 30th

758: Guangzhou is sacked by Arab and Persian pirates... but it's called back for an offsides penalty.

1864: Denmark renounces all claims to Schleswig, Holstein, Lauenburg... and every other European city that sounds like a type of cheese.

1983: The first democratic elections in Argentina after seven years of military rule are held. The people vote to bring back military rule.

2011-10-28T19:31:00.000Z

October 29th

312: Roman Emperor Maxentius' body is fished out the Tiber and beheaded... making his drowning all the more uncomfortable.

1618: Sir Walter Raleigh is beheaded for allegedly conspiring against King James I. Raleigh gets his revenge years later by getting everyone addicted to his cigarettes.

1983: Over 500,000 people demonstrate against cruise missiles in The Hague, Netherlands. In a predictably bloody scene, the cruise missiles win.

2011-10-27T17:04:00.000Z

Obama Editorial
President Obama has an editorial in today's Financial Times, touting all his economic accomplishments. Topping the list: he was able to con the Financial Times to let him write an editorial touting all his economic accomplishments.

Something's Fishy
Consumer Reports says most fish dishes in America are mislabeled. Food inspectors are responding by forcing McDonalds to rename their popular seafood sandwich the "Filet O'Plankton."

King Got Conned
Larry King says he invested $700,000 with Bernie Madoff, but got it all back. This means he won't have to choose between paying his divorce lawyers or buying adult diapers.

China Scandal
A baby girl abandoned on a city street in China has died. The incident is forcing a moral crisis in China, as most people are outraged that the baby wasn't working in a sneaker factory.

UK Succession Rules
Great Britain has changed its royal succession rules. Men will no longer have precedence over girls in line for the throne... which is great news for Prince Charles.

October 28th

97: Emperor Nerva is forced to adopt Marcus Ulpius Trajanus... but at least he came with a leash and some house breaking pads.

1775: A British proclamation forbids residents from leaving Boston. It was never rescinded... which explains why there are still some people living in Boston.

1958: John XXIII is elected as Pope, making good on his "more Roman numerals" campaign promises.

2011-10-27T00:44:00.000Z

Madoff Suicide Pact
Ruth Madoff now says she and her husband Bernie attempted, but failed to commit suicide. Several charitable organizations are now offering to help them try again.

EU Deal
As part of a new European bailout deal, private bondholders of Greece's debt will have to take a 50% cut in their investment. In return, they get free coffee refills at any diner in Manhattan through next Easter.

Wii Slump
Sales of Nintendo's Wii are falling. It turns out it's best customers just discovered girls.

Brown's Plan
California Governor Jerry Brown wants to raise the state retirement age to 67. Voters are expected to approve that plan since that would mean Brown should have retired 55 years ago.

NBA Deal?
The NBA and the players union are reporting progress in their labor talks. Some players are so optimistic, they've pre-ordered several new tattoos for their illegitimate children.

October 27th

1553: Condemned as a heretic, Michael Servetus is burned at the stake just outside Geneva. They would have done it inside Geneva, but that would have really ruined that day's elementary school barbeque.

1806: The French Army enters Berlin... just to hand out pastries, fighting was sooo 1805.

1904: The first underground New York City Subway line opens, providing a haven for hundreds of New Yorkers who like to make inaudible public announcements.

2011-10-25T18:45:00.000Z

Diaper Demand
The state of Connecticut is demanding that the federal government provide it with free diapers to give to low-income mothers. It's a reasonable request since Washington has been sending the states the stuff that fills diapers for years.

EU and Italy
The European Union is demanding that Italy do something about cutting its costs. It's getting so bad, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is only paying three underage girls for sex this week.

Tuition Surge
College tuitions are up 8.3% this year. The colleges are getting away with it since most high school grads don't know how to add.

Occupy Arrests
Police fired tear gas at Occupy Oakland protesters last night. But it didn't work because the tear gas actually smelled better than the demonstrators.

Obama on Leno
President Obama appeared as a guest on the Tonight Show last night. It was a huge hit, all he had to do was appear on stage and the audience didn't stop laughing at him for 30 minutes.

October 26th

1825: The Erie Canal opens – passage from Albany, New York to Lake Erie. For 186 years it's remained open and ready for use... waiting for someone who wants to go to Albany or Lake Erie.

1861: The Pony Express officially ceases operations, but it is likely to get a bailout from the Obama administration any day now.

1995: Mossad agents assassinate Islamic Jihad leader Fathi Shikaki in his hotel in Malta. Then they swipe about $500 worth of overpriced snacks from the hotel mini-fridge.

2011-10-24T18:19:00.000Z

Perry's Tax Plan
Rick Perry will unveil his optional flat tax plan today. But Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is already blasting the plan as unoriginal, reminding everyone that for him, paying taxes has been optional for years.

Panhandler Problem
San Francisco has fallen a notch in the ratings of great places to visit because of too many panhandlers. It turns out tourists really need that spare change to buy the medical marijuana they went all the way to California to get.

Obama Event
President Obama held a major fundraiser last night at the home of Antonio Bandera and Melanie Griffith. During the event, the President promised to create jobs... mostly by hiring a hit squad to go after the surgeons who messed up Griffith's face.

Florida Law Blocked
A federal judge has blocked Florida's new law requiring state resident to pass a drug test before getting welfare. Of course, this is the same judge who has blocked high school kids from having to pass a reading test before joining the University of Miami football team.

Kids and TV
A growing number of medical researchers are warning about the dangers of watching TV when very young children are nearby... mostly because they tend to make noise and drown out your favorite shows.

October 24th

1920: After 74 days on Hunger Strike in Brixton Prison, England, the Sinn Féin Lord Mayor of Cork, Terence MacSwiney died. Of course the prisoner who DID eat the British food died after 73 days.

1983: The United States invade Grenada in "Operation Save the Med Students Who Partied in College."

2004: Cuban President Fidel Castro announces that transactions using the American Dollar will be banned. Five years later, U.S. President Barack Obama makes the same proclamation.

2011-10-24T00:31:00.000Z

Jobs Book
The new Steve Jobs biography hits stores today and it is expected to break every book selling record. It's being marketed as the best thing to read while you're standing in line for 3 weeks waiting to buy the next iPhone.

Student Loan Bailout
This week, President Obama will announce a new student loan bailout program. Of course there already is a program for people who can't pay their student loans, it's called "working at Starbucks."

No Cell Cancer Link
The biggest ever medical study on mobile devices concludes there is no link to cancer with cell phone use. The only lethal threat is still what happens to the parents of teenagers when they get their cell phone bills.

Obama to Vegas
President Obama goes to Las Vegas today to promote his jobs bill... and try to fix the deficit by taking all of this month's federal tax revenues to the roulette table at the Bellagio.

Beavis is Back!
MTV is bringing Beavis and Butthead back to its lineup this month... the show is also known as "The Obama-Biden Re-Election Campaign."

October 24th

1260: The spectacular Cathedral of Chartres is dedicated in the presence of King Louis IX of France; naturally, the cathedral is now a government-run clean needle exchange for heroin addicts.

1949: The cornerstone of the United Nations Headquarters is laid... appropriatley right in the middle of traffic on 1st Avenue.

1973: Yom Kippur War ends; Israelis and Arabs celebrate together with a fabulous "break war" catered by H&H Bagels.

2011-10-23T09:34:00.000Z

October 23rd

1694: British/American colonial forces, led by Sir William Phipps, fail to seize Quebec from the French... but only because they just didn't ask nicely enough.

1867: 72 Senators are summoned by Royal Proclamation to serve as the first members of the Canadian Senate... but to actually get them there, they had to promise them hockey and beer.

1946: The United Nations General Assembly convenes for the first time, changing its name from "The Legion of Doom."

2011-10-21T17:00:00.000Z

October 22nd

362: A mysterious fire destroys the temple of Apollo outside Antioch. The owners are still trying to collect the insurance.

1383: King Fernando dies without a male heir to the Portuguese throne, sparking a period of civil war, disorder, and crappy romantic comedy movies.

1976: Red Dye No. 4 is banned by the US Food and Drug Administration after it is discovered that it causes tumors in the bladders of dogs. The dye is still used in Canada... where no one cares about dogs.

2011-10-20T16:28:00.000Z

NBA Talks Fail
The NBA labor talks have broken off and there seems to be little chance there will be a season this year. With players not getting paid, the big question is: how do you repossess a tattoo?

Jobs Surgery Delay
The new Steve Jobs biography says he delayed cancer surgery while he sought out holistic healing methods for nine months. He must have been getting his medical advice from the people who designed the new BlackBerry.

Chicken Run
Thousands of live chickens spilled onto a California highway yesterday after a massive truck crash. Officials aren't going to chase the chickens, they'll just let them be eaten by the lions and tigers let loose by that maniac in Ohio.

Cap and Crash
California has adopted new cap and trade on businesses that emit carbons in the state. But the only businesses emitting anything in California now are the state unemployment offices.

Lohan Sorry
Lindsay Lohan says she's sorry for showing up late to her communuity service job at a California morgue. Actually the way she drinks and drives, she's about five years late to the morgue already.

October 21st

1512: Martin Luther joins the theological faculty of the University of Wittenberg. He is immediately asked to give passing grades to the entire football team.

1816: The Penang Free School is founded in George Town, Penang, Malaysia, by the Rev Hutchings. The school has remained free of all Penang for the last 195 years.

1921: President Warren G. Harding delivers the first speech by a sitting President against lynching in the deep south... then he goes back to his Klan meeting.

2011-10-19T17:40:00.000Z

Monkey Loose
All the wild animals that escaped from an Ohio man's private zoo have now been captured. That's with the exception of one diseased monkey which has unfortunately blended in with the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Social Security Boost
Social Security payments will go up by 3.6% next year. In a related story, the price of Viagra and Cialis has just gone up by 3.6%.

Obama Loves Wall Street
President Obama has still raised more money from Wall Street donor than any Republican presidential candidate, leading most people to finally realize that "Occupy Wall Street" is a protest movement, it's the president's collection agency.

Biden's Warning
Vice President Joe Biden continues to insist that rapes and murders will go up if we don't pass the Obama jobs bill. Actually if we do pass the bill, more Americans will start trying to rape and murder Joe Biden.

Cali Comes up Short
California has collected $654 million less in taxes than it expected so far this year. It's not clear if it's the result of the bad economy or the fact that most California tax collectors are perpetually stoned.

October 20th

1781: Austria approves the Patent of Toleration, and then begins to work on the Declaration of Lactose Tolerance.

1970: Siad Barre declares Somalia a socialist state. Everyone else continues to declare Somalia a piece of crap.

1973: The Sydney Opera House opens. Sadly, the only act it can book is the Bee Gees.

2011-10-18T17:38:00.000Z

Student Loan Deadbeats
Student loan defaults are at record highs. Colleges are responding by adding new courses for graduating seniors on how to steal your dad's wallet.

Hire a Crook!
The city of San Francisco wants to give out tax breaks to people who hire convicted felons. But if they're going to reward people for hiring crooks, the city will have to hand out tax breaks to all the voters every time there's an election.

Inhaler Ban
The government is about to ban over-the-counter asthma inhalers because they're supposedly bad for the ozone layer. So in other words, the feds want you to have cleaner air, they just don't want you to be able to breathe it in.

Spanish Debt Downgrade
Spain's debt has been downgraded two notches from "AA" to "Chalupa".

Jobs Service
In observance of the Steve Jobs memorial service today, Apple stores will not be open to customers... in other words, they'll look like Best Buy.

October 19th

1781: At Yorktown, Virginia, representatives of British commander Lord Cornwallis handed over Cornwallis' sword to George Washington. But Washington refuses to stop the war until he gets Cornwallis' credit cards and PIN numbers.

1873: Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and Rutgers universities draft the first code of American football rules. The first 15 pages are mostly about what to drink during the tailgate parties.

1973: President Richard Nixon rejects an Appeals Court decision that he turn over the Watergate tapes. He does, however, offer to bring in the Beatles White Album.

2011-10-17T16:57:00.000Z

Cain Attack
Liberals are attacking Herman Cain for saying he supports the idea of an electrified fence on the border with Mexico. The Left is furious that Cain isn't supporting a solar powered electric fence.

Blame Them!
President Obama says if the Republicans don't pass his jobs bill, they'll have to be the ones to explain to the children why their teachers were laid off. The Republicans are responding by telling kids the Democrats obviously want to give them more homework.

Government Lay Offs
State and city governments have cut 535,000 jobs over the last three years. It's not clear what's worse for the laid off workers: the fact that they're out of work or the fact that no one notices any difference.

Apple Sales
Apple has already sold four million new iPhone 4S's. Most of them have been bought by people desperate to call their friends to talk about how much Blackberry sucks.

Poll Results
A new poll shows that much more Americans blame Washington for the bad economy than Wall Street. Proving once again that an evil genius is always more popular than a stupid one.

October 18th

1210: Pope Innocent III excommunicates German leader Otto IV in what has since been explained away as a serious case of Roman numberal envy.

1898: The United States takes possession of Puerto Rico... Puerto Rico responds by taking control of everything in Manhattan north of 125th Street.

1991: Azerbaijan declares independence from USSR. The USSR declares independence from having to spell "Azerbaijan."

2011-10-17T00:52:00.000Z

Dodger Divorce
Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt have finally reached a divorce settlement. In return for withdrawing any claim to the team, Jamie gets $130 million and Frank gets the right to leave his next marriage in the seventh inning.

Heart Disease
U.S. rates of heart disease are actually falling. Experts say this is the result of better cholesterol drugs and the fact that most Americans are now only eating Ramen Noodles.

Sesame Street Hack
Sesame Street's YouTube channel was hacked yesterday and replaced with porn videos. In a related story, Zoe is suing Elmo for sexual harrassment.

Obama Cash
The Obama re-election campaign has already spent more money than the Republican presidential candidates have raised. Of course, President Obama has also spent more money than everyone in America has made for the last 235 years.

Citibank Arrests
21 protesters were arrested inside a Citibank branch this weekend. It's not clear if they were "Occupy Wall Street" demonstrators or just angry that there were eight teller windows but only one person working.

October 16th

539 BC: Cyrus the Great marches into the city of Babylon, releasing the Jews from almost 70 years of exile. This is what happens when kings need decent doctors, lawyers, and comedy writers.

1979: Mother Teresa is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Surprisingly, she uses the tax-free prize money to start a predatory pay day loan franchise.

1979: President Carter establishes the Department of Education, the Department of Health and Human Services and the Department of Redundancy Department.

2011-10-16T11:45:00.001Z

October 16th

1384: Jadwiga is crowned King of Poland, although she is a woman. Years later, she becomes an inspiration for the East German men's gymnastics team.

1846: William TG Morton first demonstrates ether anesthesia to his medical students. Unfortunately, they all missed it because he put them all to sleep with his lecture 20 minutes earlier.

2006: A magnitude 6.7 earthquake rocks Hawaii, causing property damage, injuries, but helping even the most clueless tourists finally do the Hula.

2011-10-14T17:54:00.000Z

October 15th

1582: Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar, filled with hot sexy pictures of himself for every month.

1932: Tata Airlines makes its first flight. The stewardesses later rejoice when the company is renamed Air India.

1997: The first supersonic land speed record is set by Andy Green... in his bedroom... much to the chagrin of Mrs. Green.

2011-10-13T21:35:00.000Z

Park Clearing
The NYPD has delayed a plan to evict the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters from Lower Manhattan in order to wash and sanitize the area. The reason for the delay was that no one wanted to wash and sanitize the protesters.

State Dinner
The White House held a state dinner for South Korea's president last night. It's not clear who was more upset about it, anti-free trade activists or the Obama's dog.

iPhone on Sale
The new iPhone 4S goes on sale today. Every Apple store is setting up special displays and large garbage cans where people can throw their BlackBerries.

College Controversy
A college professor in New Jersey is in trouble for asking a stuttering student not to ask questions in class. Apparently his stammer was disrupting all the other kids who were trying to sleep.

Moore at Dinner
Even though he's a strong opponent of free trade, Michael Moore was a guest at the White House state dinner for the South Korean president last night. He may not like free trade, but he loves a free meal.

October 14th

1322: Robert the Bruce of Scotland defeats King Edward II of England at Byland... Byland is now a very popular gay bar.

1958: The District of Columbia's Bar Association votes to accept African-Americans as members... which was really good news for the Association since there were only three white people left in the city anyway.

1967: Folk singer Joan Baez begins physically blocking the U.S. Army's induction center in Oakland, California. Her protest backfires when all the inductees suddenly get the killer instinct after hearing her sing.

2011-10-12T19:45:00.000Z

BlackBerry Outage
BlackBerry service remains down in five continents. It's getting so bad, that at least a half dozen businessmen were forced to speak to their children last night.

Solar Scandal
SunPower got $1.2 billion in government loans and then sent its production to Mexico... but that was only after it was unsuccessful in sending its workers to the sun.

Penalty Poll
A new poll says 35% of Americans oppose the death penalty. Of course, that may be 35% of Americans who are now on death row.

Buffett Cash
Warren Buffett says he made $62 million last year and only paid taxes on $39 million of that. But the biggest outrage is that Buffett still used he senior citizen discount at Denny's all year.

Obama Fundraising
President Obama raised $70 million for his campaign this summer. There's no word yet on whether he'll be giving that money to the 99% of American candidates who don't have any money.

October 13th

54: Nero ascends to the Roman throne. Fire insurance premiums shoot through the roof.

1999: The United States Senate rejects ratification of the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, opting instead for the Incomprehensible Test Ban Treaty two days later.

2010: The Copiapó mining accident in Copiapó, Chile comes to an end as all 33 miners arrive at the surface after surviving a record 69 days underground awaiting rescue. But after a week above ground with their wives they all demand to be put back in the hole.

2011-10-11T19:48:00.000Z

Beer Break
Just as his jobs bill was being defeated in Congress, President Obama joined four unemployed construction workers for a few beers in Florida last night. But there was an embarrassing moment when the President thought it was a fundraiser and he asked each of the guys to pick up the tab and pay $36,000.

New Report
Senate Democrats have released a report showing that a 2004 deal to repatriate foreign profits with lower corporate taxes did nothing to create jobs. Luckily for the GOP, the report was conducted by the same Democrats who put together the Stimulus, so the study does say the plan SAVED 200 million jobs.

New Job
Oakland's police chief is resigning and taking a new job at Harvard. After years of dealing with the brutal "Crips" and "Bloods" gangs, Harvard figured he was the man to finally stop the fighting between the "Tweeds" and the "Plaids."

Detroit's Top Teams
The success of the Detroit's Lions Tigers is rejuvenating a city that has been economically suffering for decades. Because if there's one thing that unemployed people need, it's trying to buy playoff tickets for $500 apiece.

Posey Improves
Injured San Francisco Giants catcher Buster Posey is showing improvement and should be able to return to the team next season... when he will then be beated almost to death by a bunch of L.A. Dodger fans.

October 12th

539 BC: The army of Cyrus the Great of Persia takes Babylon... and they get away with it because they knew how to remove the security tags without damaging the item.

1823: Charles Macintosh, of Scotland, sells the first raincoat... giving Scottish flashers an edge on all international competition.

1999: Pervez Musharraf takes power in Pakistan from Nawaz Sharif through a bloodless coup. All the previous coups in Pakistan had also been chickenless.

2011-10-10T18:35:00.000Z

Millonaire March
The Occupy Wall Street protesters will march to the private homes of several CEO's today. It's not clear if the demonstrators plan of threatening them or asking if they can come inside to take a shower.

OWS Cost
The NYPD says the Occupy Wall Street protests have already cost the city $2 million... and that's just the money they've had to spend on air freshener.

Silver Ship
A shipwreck off the coast of Florida has been found with $19 million of silver aboard. The only other sunken ship with that much silver is the U.S. Treasury.

Job Cuts Ahead
New York State Comptroller Thomas Di Napoli says Wall Street firms will lose another 10,000 jobs by the end of 2012. Hopefully, those will just be the people who donated to President Obama.

Food Police
A federal proposal that would restrict the food marketing to children is moving forward. Instead of icons like "Tony the Tiger," sugary snacks can now only be pitched by a fat registered sex offender.

October 11th

1727: George II and Caroline of Ansbach are crowned King and Queen of Great Britain... and People Magazine's "best dressed royals of the year!"

1941: Beginning of the National Liberation War of Macedonia... we'll let you know when it ends or anyone cares... whichever comes first.

2001: The Polaroid Corporation files for federal bankruptcy protection. The legal briefs all take about 60 seconds to develop.

2011-10-10T01:02:00.000Z

Job Plan
President Obama's jobs council is about to introduce a plan to get foreign countries to invest $1 trillion in the U.S. over the next five years. The plan mostly involves identity theft.

Immelt's Role
President Obama's jobs council is headed buy GE CEO Jeff Immelt... which makes sense, because when Americans see an unmitigated failure like him keeping his job, we all feel confident about ourselves again!

Who is Rich?
As the Democrats push their tax hike plan, the party still can't decide who is rich. Some say you're rich if you make $250K per year. Other say you're rich if you make $1 million per year. And Harry Reid thinks you're rich if you're guy with the most "Magic, the Gathering" cards?

Davis Dead
Raiders owner Al Davis has died at 82. We know that he's going to Heaven because seriously, do we really expect the guy who created Raider Nation to be scared by Hell?

Pet Generosity
Americans are actually spending more on their pets since the recession began... mostly because cats are pretty generous with their Fancy Feast.

October 10th

680: Hussain bin Ali, the grandson of the Prophet Muhammad, is decapitated by forces under Caliph Yazid I. The incident is later blamed on a Dutch cartoonist.

1957: President Dwight D. Eisenhower apologizes to the finance minister of Ghana, Komla Agbeli Gbdemah, after he is refused service in a Dover, Delaware restaurant. The Eisenhower has to REALLY apologize to all the white diplomats who DID get service at that restaurant.

2009: After having closed borders for about two hundred years, Armenia and Turkey open their borders... only to discover no one is interested in going to Armenia or Turkey.

2011-10-09T11:46:00.000Z

October 9th

1635: Founder of Rhode Island Roger Williams is banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony as a religious dissident after he refuses to say "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas" at the local trading post.

1967: Ernesto "Che" Guevara is executed for attempting to incite a revolution in Bolivia... and trying to get people to pay $35.99 for t-shirts with his face on them.

1981: Capital punishment is abolished in France... except for people who don't teach their toddler children how to smoke and drink wine.

2011-10-07T17:49:00.000Z

October 8th

95: Queen Min of Joseon, the last empress of Korea, is assassinated and her corpse burnt by the Japanese in Gyeongbok Palace. But other than that... there were no hard feelings.

1912: Montenegro declares war against Turkey... and begins a covert conflict with c cranberry sauce.

1974: Franklin National Bank collapses due to fraud and mismanagement... but mostly because they didn't chain down the pens like all the other banks.

2011-10-06T17:54:00.000Z

Obama Feels their Pain
President Obama says he sympathizes with the "Occupy Wall Street" protesters in New York. He likes how they keep bashing the brokers and the banks, but he can't understand why they don't also ask them for big campaign donations.

Solyndra Scape Goat
The Department of Energy official in charge of the loan program that gave that money to Solyndra has stepped down... he's now getting a job signing overpriced free agents for the New York Yankees.

Split this Bill!
President Obama now says he wants each part of his $447 billion jobs bill to be voted on separately in Congress... that should give local cities and unions the 17 more years they'll need to get "shovel ready."

Knox Reunion?
The family of Amanda Knox has invited her former boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, to Seattle for a reunion... they just want him to come unarmed, late at night and not tell anyone where he's going.

Sarandon Hypocrisy
Just as Susan Sarandon joined the anti-corporate protesters in Lower Manhattan, a huge billboard of her endorsing a Japanese clothing chain that uses sweat shop Chinese labor has gone up in Midtown. Perhaps Sarandon was protesting the fact that there just aren't enough jobs for eight-year-old Chinese kids.

October 7th

1912: The Helsinki Stock Exchange sees its first transaction... but it involves a trader and hooker in the bathroom.

1916: Georgia Tech defeats Cumberland University 222-0... and you should see what they did to their cheerleaders after the game.

1982: Cats opens on Broadway and runs for nearly 18 years before everyone finally realizes the whole show is stupid.

2011-10-05T18:39:00.000Z

Jobs Dead
Steve Jobs died yesterday at the age of 56. He will be buried as soon as Apple unveils its new iCoffin sometime next week.

Unions and Kids
Union members joined the young demonstrators in the "Occupy Wall Street" protest yesterday. Now the kids are hoping the union guys will teach them how to not work and still get paid for it!

50 Year Wait
It turns out that if Harry Reid's plan to add a 5% tax on millionaires is passed, it will still take 50 years to pay for the Obama jobs bill. Waiting half a century for a payoff is only something accepted by Cubs fans.

Second Solyndra Loan
Newly released emails show Solyndra was about to get another half-billion dollar loan from the government even though auditors were warning the company was about to collapse. But the only failing entity still raking in that kind of money is the Obama re-election campaign.

Holder Lied
New documents show that Attorney General Eric Holder lied to Congress about what he knew about the ATF "Fast and Furious" program. After hearing how much Holder lied under oath, President Obama is immediately transferring him to his economic team.

October 6th

1923: The great powers of World War I withdraw from Istanbul. The not-so-great powers stick aroung for another 25 years.

2000: Yugoslav president Slobodan Milošević resigns. His accent marks get a job at a local cab stand.

2007: Jason Lewis completes the first human-powered circumnavigation of the globe. There's no word on how he got the humans into his gas tank.

2011-10-05T00:33:00.000Z

Reid's Plan
Senator Harry Reid wants to impose a 5% surcharge on millionaires to pay for President Obama's $500 billion jobs bill. It's not clear if any of that 5% will include the minimum $100,000 the President expects from each of them in campaign donations.

Protest March
The "Occupy Wall Street" protesters will march to New York's City Hall today. Apparently the demonstrators want to meet with some other people who don't really have to work for a living.

iPhone Fail
The big unveiling yesterday of the new iPhone failed to impress investors and Apple customers. Coincidentally, that's the same way most women feel when they date guys who work at Apple.

Burnett Redemption
New York Yankee pitcher AJ Burnett redeemed himself after a terrible regular season by pitching the Yanks to a 10-1 win over Detroit in the playoffs last night. Burnett's teammates are eternal grateful to him... but not as grateful as they are to the bus driver and airline pilots who safely got them out of Detroit after the game.

Protest Demand
The Wall Street protesters say they "want a voice"... the people who live near the protests wish they wanted a bath.

October 5th

1143: King Alfonso VII of León recognises Portugal as a Kingdom... but he is still totally clueless when he tries to remember his in-laws' first names.

1905: Wilbur Wright pilots Wright Flyer III in a flight of 24 miles in 39 minutes. Now it takes 39 minutes to move 24 inches up in the security line at O'Hare.

1945: A six-month strike by Hollywood set decorators turns into a bloody riot when three of the demonstrators show up wearing the exact same outfit.

2011-10-03T17:29:00.000Z

October 4th

1511: Formation of the Holy League of Ferdinand II of Aragon, the Papal States and the Cleveland Browns.

1582: Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian Calendar... the one with all the pictures of hot nuns for every month.

1958: Fifth Republic of France is established. Just like the French people, the first four republics didn't work.

2011-10-03T00:04:00.000Z

Protesters Persists
Hundreds of "Occupy Wall Street" demonstrators continue to camp out in New York's Financial District They vow to continue protesting what they call corporate greed and mindless commercialism... until they have to leave to camp out in front of the Apple Store for the new iPhone.

New NPR Chief
Gary Knell, the longtime president and CEO of Sesame Workshop, will take over as the new CEO of NPR on Dec. 1. Knell has already hired Elmo to do a series of pro-Palestinian radio editorials.

New iPhone
Apple will announce the release of the new iPhone 5 tomorrow. That gives the people who line up to get the first new iPhones 24 hours to find somebody who might actually want to call them.

Gay Slam
President Barack Obama is slamming the Republican presidential candidates who didn't denounce the people who booed a gay soldier at a GOP debate. And Congressman Barney Frank is slamming the Republicans who didn't get him that soldier's phone number.

Vote Fraud?
Republicans say they want to prevent voter fraud with more identification requirements, but some groups say they worry the new restrictions may discourage people from going to vote. Of course, the biggest thing discouraging people from going to vote are the candidates.

October 3rd

1283: Dafydd ap Gruffydd, prince of Gwynedd in Wales, becomes the first nobleman executed by being hanged, drawn, quartered, and disconnected from the internet.

1908: The Pravda newspaper is founded by Leon Trotsky, Adolph Joffe, Matvey Skobelev and Keith Olbermann.

1955: The Mickey Mouse Club debuts on ABC... it is now known as "World News Tonight."

2011-10-01T09:27:00.000Z

October 2nd

1835: Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales, Texas, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled militia of people who thought they were illegal aliens.

1919: President Woodrow Wilson suffers a massive stroke, making him the most disabled president until Jimmy Carter.

1925: John Logie Baird performs the first test of a working television system... but he keeps the audience waiting as he would only promise to show up to work on the TV between the hours of 12 and four.

2011-10-01T09:10:00.000Z

October 1st

1946: Mensa International is founded in the United Kingdom. Ironically, the first meeting is canceled because most of the genius members get lost on the way.

1961: East and West Cameroon merge to form... a huge mess.

1989: Denmark introduces the world's first legal modern same-sex civil union, otherwise known as "rugby."

2011-09-30T10:51:00.001Z

Madison's Coverage
Actress Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 million... and her acting abilities for 5 bucks.

Friendly's Fold
The Friendly's restaurant chain may file for bankruptcy. It turns out serving only oversized burgers and ice cream sundaes kills profits faster than it kills people.

CEO Poll
A new poll says if he were a CEO, President Obama would be fired. Obama says he's okay with that as long as he gets the customary $100 million severance package.

Hunger Strike
4,200 California state prison inmates have been on a hunger strike since Monday. Now if they also take away their free cable TV and cell phones, they might find out what life is like for everyone in California who isn't in prison.

Chicago Dope
Despite lots and lots of spending Chicago public school reading scores are as bad as they were 20 years ago. The only group in Chicago that spends more money and gets less results are the Cubs.

September 30th

1938: The League of Nations unanimously outlaws "intentional bombings of civilian populations"... and thus, it never happens again.

1955: Film star James Dean dies in a road accident aged 24. Hundreds of women and gay men fight to have sex with his corpse.

1962: James Meredith enters the University of Mississippi, defying segregation.. and his parents, who wanted him to go to a decent college.

2011-09-29T10:39:00.000Z

September 29th

1227: Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor, is excommunicated by Pope Gregory IX for his failure to participate in the Crusades and skipping gym class without a doctor's note.

1567: At a dinner, the Duke of Alba arrests the Count of Egmont and the Count of Hoorn for treason. No word on who picked up the check.

1960: Nikita Khrushchev, leader of Soviet Union, disrupts a meeting of the United Nations General Assembly with a number of angry outbursts... most of them about traffic in Manhattan.

2011-09-27T17:07:00.000Z

September 28th

935: Saint Wenceslas is murdered by his brother... and three dozen would-be Christmas Carolers with speech impediments.

1844: Oscar I of Sweden-Norway is crowned king of Sweden... and gets free sardines for life.

1971: The Parliament of the United Kingdom passes the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 banning the medicinal use of cannabis... and keeping it recreational like it should be.

2011-09-26T17:55:00.000Z

Alimony Law
Massachusetts has eliminated lifetime alimony requirements. So, if your spouse suddenly suggests you move to Boston... hire a private investigator.

Tax Dope
A man in the crowd at an Obama town hall event in Mountain View, California yesterday actually asked the president to raise his taxes. Then he asked him to tie him up and call him a "dirty man."

California Crunch
Half of California's voters report a decline in their personal incomes. The other half supply hair and makeup services to Lady Gaga.

Racist Story?
Critics say it was racist for the AP to transcribe President Obama's speech Saturday night by using the words "cryin'," and "complainin'" in the copy. Meanwhile, several Sesame Street characters plan to protest the assault on the letter "g.".

Budget Deal
Thanks to a deal in Congress, there will be no government shutdown and there will be no need for emergency votes on the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah. That means Jewish Congressman will be able to blow the shofar and Barney Frank will be able to blow the chaffeur.

September 27th

1590: Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope... wasting a perfectly good set of Roman numerals.

1822: Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone. World leaders immediately get him on the job of trying to figure out what the Hell women want.

1922: King Constantine I of Greece abdicates his throne in favor of his eldest son, King George II. King George immediatley makes his father clean his room.

2011-09-26T01:08:00.000Z

Obama's Message
President Obama told members of the Congressional Black Caucus to "stop complaining" about his economic record. Then he told them to get out of his way so he could get back to the other room where he was holding an expensive fundraiser with some more important white folks.

Gaga Obama
Lady Gaga paid $35,800 to attend an Obama fundraiser last night. Then she paid $40,000 to meet the President of Mars.

Coliseum Scandal
Several officials at the L.A. Coliseum are accused of charging the taxpayers for thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary fillups for their cars. But the Coliseum workers say they needed the gas to help bring dozens of USC football players to and from all their court appearances.

Hikers Speak Out
The two just-freed Americans who were jailed in Tehran after hiking across the Iranian border two years ago spoke out yesterday saying they were only imprisoned because they're American... and because they're really, really stupid.

Subway Cell Service
Four underground subway stations in Manhattan will be wired for cellphone service starting today... so make sure you have the number for the city's rat control service on your speed dial.

September 26th

46 BC: Julius Caesar dedicates a temple to his mythical ancestor Venus Genetrix... but they still hit him up for the building fund every three years.

1789: Thomas Jefferson is appointed the first United States Secretary of State, John Jay is appointed the first Chief Justice of the United States, Samuel Osgood is appointed the first United States Postmaster General, and Herschel Feinberg is appointed everyone's accountant.

1984: The United Kingdom agrees to the handover of Hong Kong. In return, Hong Kong agrees to handover all the counterfeit handbags.

2011-09-25T11:21:00.000Z

September 25th

1804: The Teton Sioux demand one of the boats from the Lewis and Clark Expedition as a toll for moving further upriver. They later become known as "the IRS."

1977: About 4,200 people take part in the first running of the Chicago Marathon. At the same time, about 4,300 people take part in the effort to mug them.

2008: China launches the spacecraft Shenzhou 7. It's main purpose is to spy on and pirate everything done by Shenzhou 6.

2011-09-23T17:26:00.001Z

September 24th

1789: The United States Congress passes the Judiciary Act which creates the office of the United States Attorney General, the federal judiciary system, and the People's Court.

1890: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially renounces polygamy... but unofficially tells its men to take it when they can get it.

1962: United States court of appeals orders the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith... and get a decent passing quarterback.

2011-09-22T17:39:00.001Z

Dying to Collect
A report shows that the government is paying $100 million a year in pensions to dead federal workers. Although in fairness, it should be pointed out that the dead employees are doing a lot more work than when they were alive.

Dying to Collect II
A report shows that the government is paying $100 million a year in pensions to dead federal workers. But since they are buried in the ground, the Obama administration considers them as having "green jobs."

Pakistan Denial
Pakistan is strongly denying allegations that say its aided the attack on the US embassy in Kabul last week. It didn't "aid" the attack, Pakistan carried out the attack!

Obama Office Trashed
President Obama's campaign offices in uber liberal West Los Angeles were vandalized last night. The attack came in response to rumors that Obama would not support a tax credit for watching "Glee!"

No Chrysler Union Deal
Chrysler is refusing to give the UAW the same sweetheart deal the union just got from GM. Now that Chrysler is Italian-owned, it turns out management has better mob ties than labor!

September 23rd

1642: First commencement exercises occur at Harvard College... marking the first official group of clueless snobs in America.

1932: The Kingdom of Hejaz and Nejd is renamed the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. It originally comes in high and low octane versions.

1988: José Canseco of the Oakland Athletics becomes the first member of the 40-40 club. That's 40 homers, 40 stolen bases, and 40 shots of steroids in one season.

2011-09-21T18:49:00.000Z

Gates the Richest
Bill Gates made another $5 billion last year and is now worth $59 billion. With that kind of money, he could afford to run the Postal Service for a whole week!

No CR
The House failed to pass a continuing budget patch last night. The bill was too expensive for lots of Republicans and not expensive enough for the Democrats... so the only way it'll pass now is if they add in a big new pay raise for themselves.

Chicago Union Deal
A former Chicago union leader is getting a $158,000 annual pension from the city just for one day of work for the local government. Of course, he earned it since he spent that one day running the city's Cubs fan suicide hotline.

"Kids" Covered
Thanks to Obamacare, the government says about 1 million 19 to 25-year-olds now have health insurance. Also thanks to Obamacare, about 10 million 26 to 40-year-olds now live with their parents.

Bloody Sunday Payments
The British government will pay compensation to relatives of victims of the 1972 "Bloody Sunday" shootings in Northern Ireland. But those of us still suffering because of all the U2 songs about the incident will get nothing.

September 22nd

1789: The office of United States Postmaster General is established. Everyone there immediately goes on break.

1862: A preliminary version of the Emancipation Proclamation is released. This version only freed slaves who agreed never to make rap music.

1991: The Dead Sea Scrolls are made available to the public for the first time by the Huntington Library... but most people lose interest when they learn there are no nude pictures of Adam and Eve.

2011-09-20T17:43:00.000Z

Busted Gov
Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was caught driving his Cadillac SUV yesterday after urging people to observe "car free week." This, after he has repeatedly been caught being incompetent during "no idiots in office" month.

No Fur
West Hollywood's city council has approved a ban on fur. Now activists on streets will have to throw fake blood at people who don't have enough Prada.

Busted Program
The government now admits that it's latest $1 billion program to help homeowners will not meet its goal of helping 30,000 homeowners avoid foreclosure. But that money will sure help about 30,000 useless federal employees get another raise this year.

Beer Buy
SABMiller is buying Australian brewer Foster's for $10 billion. That's $9 billion for the company and $1 billion for the right to kill Paul Hogan.

Poll Pain
A new poll shows 8 in 10 Americans believe the economy is getting worse. The other 2 say standing in the unemployment line is almost as fun as waiting for the new iPhone.

September 21st

1780: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point. To the French, he gives the plans to the local brothel.

1827: Joseph Smith, Jr. is reportedly visited by the angel Moroni, who gives him a set of gold plates. Luckily, all those "cash for gold" places were closed that day.

1937: J. R. R. Tolkien's The Hobbit is published... rendering every boy who reads it undateable for the next 74 years.

2011-09-19T17:51:00.000Z

Travolta Robbed
Somedbody stole John Travolta's $100,000 1970 vintage Mercedes over the weekend. There's no word on if it's the same guy who convinced him to take that role in "Hairspray."

Crime Falls
The FBI says violent crime fell another 6% last year. It turns out the nation's top thugs were too busy counting their stimulus money to kill anyone.

Chavez's Gold
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is ordering all his country's miners to sell him all their gold. It's all part of an insane competition he's having with Scrooge McDuck.

Palestinian State?
The Palestinians are expected to declare statehood at the UN this week. The new nation will be dedicated to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Blowing up Jews.

Downloading Case
A court has ruled that music fan Joel Tenenbaum owes the record companies $675,000 for illegal downloads. The music industry plans to use the money to throw itself a lavish funeral.

September 20th

1519: Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda with about 270 men... and three VERY nervous sheep.

1854: British and French troops defeat Russians in the Crimea... leading to the new term for losers "Crimea River."

1982: The National Football League players begin a 57-day strike. The business for DWI defense attorneys falls apart.

2011-09-18T22:21:00.000Z

Obama Plan
President Obama will reveal a new budget plan today that relies on taxing the rich more. But it's not clear how the plan will work after all the millionaires move to the Cayman Islands.

Fundraiser Tonight
Just hours after announcing his new plan to raise taxes on millionaires, President Obama will attend a $35,800-per person fundraiser in New York. Of course, these are the same super rich people who pay a lot more to be whipped and beaten on a regular basis.

DSK Guilt
Former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn told French TV that he suffered from a "moral failing"... not because he had sex with a chamber maid in a Manhattan, but because he stole six towels from the hotel.

UAW Wins
GM has signed a new deal with the UAW that gives every union members a $5,000 bonus.... and most UAW workers plan to use that money for a down payment on a new Toyota.

UBS Rogue
UBS now says it lost $2.3 billion because of the "rogue trader" in its London office. Now the bank is working hard on finding a way to blame him for the other $3 billion it lost this year.

September 19th

1961: Betty and Barney Hill claim that they saw a mysterious craft in the sky and that it tried to abduct them... but they fended them off with batch of Betty's week-old meatloaf.

1995: The Washington Post and The New York Times publish the Unabomber's manifesto... and it turns out to be less Anti-American than their regular editorials.

2006: The Thai military stages a coup in Bangkok. The Constitution is revoked, martial law is declared, and nobody gets dessert.

2011-09-18T11:08:00.000Z

September 18th

1793: The first cornerstone of the Capitol building is laid by George Washington... it is later removed by thugs protesting the fact that Washington was a non-union worker.

1885: Riots break out in Montreal to protest against compulsory smallpox vaccination... they were led by a popular dancer at the local burlesque.

1948: Margaret Chase Smith of Maine becomes the first woman elected to the US Senate... of course in Maine, it's kind of hard to tell the difference.

2011-09-16T17:37:00.001Z

September 17th

1775: The Invasion of Canada begins. The loser had to keep Canada.

1914: Andrew Fisher becomes Prime Minister of Australia for the third time. This time, he promises to bring his pants.

1924: The Border Defence Corps is established in the Second Polish Republic... it's initial mission is to find the First Polish Republic.

2011-09-15T19:21:00.000Z

Up in Smoke
New York City's smoking rate has hit a new low of 14%. It was 22% just 10 years ago. They died.

Solyndra Panic
Newly released emails show the White House was really only worried that the $535 million bankruptcy at Solyndra would hurt the president's re-election chances in 2012. Other emails show the administration was only worried that Hurricane Irene might mess up Michele Obama's hair.

Going Postal
The Postal Service is outlining more proposed cuts, including scrapping hundreds of mail distribution centers and cutting its transport network. In other words, you'll probably keep your local post office, there just won't be any mail in it.

Pill Recall
Qualitest Pharmaceuticals has issued a nationwide recall of millions of birth control pills. The entire NBA is really nervous right now.

Vick Fans
A new poll that many football fans in Atlanta are still rooting for Michael Vick... especially the cats.

September 16th

1776: American Revolutionary War: the Battle of Harlem Heights is fought. British troops survive but lose most of their car radios.

1880: The Cornell Daily Sun prints its first issue. The Sun is the nation's oldest, continuously-independent college daily in the United States... and thus it has been used to roll more joints than any other paper.

1959: The first successful photocopier, the Xerox 914, is introduced. It's first paper jam occurs five minutes later.

2011-09-14T18:22:00.000Z

Border Accident
The border crossing between Tijuana and San Diego has been closed after a canopy collapsed on some cars on the U.S. side of the border. So THAT's why President Obama wants to improve our infrastructure: to make it easier for illegal aliens to get here!

UAW Deal
The UAW has just made a contract extension deal with GM: GM will keep pretending to make cars people want to buy and the UAW workers will keep pretending to care.

UBS Scandal
One 31-year-old trader at UBS has been arrested after placing a rogue trade that cost the bank $2 billion. As soon as he gets out of jail, he's got a job as the new economic advisor for the Obama administration.

Obama Approval
President Obama's approval rating in California has falled to 46%. But this is California, so the other 54% actually probably don't know who Barack Obama is.

GOP and the Jews
Republicans are hoping to seize on unhappiness among some Jewish voters over the president’s treatment of Israel. In fact, Israel is the thing most Jewish voters are talking about when then on the unemployment line.

September 15th

668: Eastern Roman Emperor Constans II is assassinated in his bath... it's nice when murderers keep things clean.

1947: RCA releases the 12AX7 vacuum tube. It takes three years before it is used for something other than pornographic purposes.

1952: The United Nations gives Eritrea to Ethiopia. Second prize was two Eritrea's.

2011-09-14T00:44:00.000Z

GOP in NYC?
A Republican candidate actually won a special Congressional election last night in a New York City district. This would be the top local story but also last night, several Yankees fans were heard saying nice things about the Mets.

Solyndra Scandal
Newly discovered emails show the White House rushed the Energy Department to make a $500 loan to a failing solar company in 2009. Luckily, the administration sent the money via the Postal Service, so it probably never got there.

Xanax Alert
More and more county hospitals are no longer dispensing the calming drug Xanax, because all they do all day is deal with people demanding Xanax. They found the same effect can be achieved simply by allowing ER security guard to zap people with a stun gun.

Reid Lukewarm
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he's in no hurry to bring President Obama's jobs bill up for a vote. But he does say it will happen before Obama is looking for a new job in January, 2013.

Water Stories
A California water utility paid $200K in public money for positive web stories to be written about it and put on the Internet... because you know, water company stories are on the 'net are HOT!

September 14th

1959: The Soviet probe Luna 2 crashes onto the Moon. The Soviets and the Moon spend the next several hours exchanging insurance information.

1960: The Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries, known as OPEC, is founded. It's second choice for a name was "The Legion of Doom."

1998: Telecommunications companies MCI Communications and WorldCom complete their $37 billion merger to form a busy signal.

2011-09-12T19:00:00.001Z

Obama on the Road
President Obama takes to the road again today in hopes of getting the needed support for his $447 billion jobs bill. He should be back from China by next week.

Pharma Raids
The Feds are now planning to investigate several drug company CEO's because of safety issues. But there's no word on whether any of them will be prosecuted because you can't figure out how to screw off the damn pill bottle cap.

Campaign Stealing
Senator Dianne Feinstein says her treasurer has stolen from her campaign and it may be "wiped out." This is an outrage because everyone knows you're not supposed to steal from the voters until AFTER you get re-elected.

Early Release
To help ease prison overcrowding, California is going to start releasing female inmates with children early. But civil liberties attorneys say sending these women back to their kids may be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Gay in School
School systems in Minnesota is trying to figure out how homosexuality should be addressed in the classroom... or if it should be handled by the local Boy Scout troop leaders like they always have.

September 13th

585 BC: Lucius Tarquinius Priscus, king of Rome, celebrates a triumph for his victories over the Sabines, the surrender of Collatia, and his awesome opening week in his fantasy football league.

1814: In a turning point in the War of 1812, the British fail to capture Baltimore, Maryland. But seriously, have you seen Baltimore? Can you blame them?

1968: Albania leaves the Warsaw Pact and becomes a free agent. It's picked up three days later by the Cleveland Indians.

2011-09-11T11:09:00.000Z

Obama Speech
President Obama will talk about his jobs act bill at 1030 from the Rose Garden. The speech will be simulcast in Chinese and Hindi, so the people who will actually get these jobs can follow along.

Bank Layoffs
Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan is expected to announce 40,000 layoffs at 9am today. But it will probably take 5 business days for the news to clear all the way to the local branches.

Dr. Watson
After trouncing all opponents on "Jeopardy," IBM's supercomputer "Watson" is now helping a top health insurance company to authorize treatments. So now, in addition of filling out tons of paperwork for payments, you'll also have to phrase them all in the form of a question.

New California Bill
The California legislature is considering a new bill that would protect unlicensed drivers from being arrested. That will free up the cops to continue busting everyone with registration stickers that expired one day ago.

Fare Hikes
The major airlines are raising their fares for the 10th time this year. The airlines finally realize that lots of Americans actually like getting groped at the security line and are willing to pay for it!

Flood Waters Recede
It turns out flood waters will not wash away Scranton, PA... so there goes that city's best chance to start over.

September 12th

1609: Henry Hudson begins his exploration of the Hudson River, and immediately find the victims of several Mafia hits.

1959: The Soviet Union launches a large rocket, Lunik II, at the moon. Why the Ruskies were so angry at the moon, no one knows.

1999: Indonesia announces it will allow international peace-keepers into East Timor... especially if they bring toilet paper.

2011-09-11T11:00:00.000Z

September 11th

1776: British-American peace conference on Staten Island fails to stop the Revolutionary War... but succeeds in keeping excessive hair gel usage from spreading beyond the island's shores.

1972: The San Francisco Bay Area Rapid Transit system has its opening day of passenger service. Protests begin immediately.

1997: NASA's Mars Global Surveyor reaches Mars. Since then, it's been relentlessly searching the surface for signs of life... and new funding.

2011-09-10T11:08:00.000Z

September 10th

1419: John the Fearless, Duke of Burgundy, is assassinated... so it turns out he probably should have been a little more afraid.

1608: John Smith is elected council president of Jamestown, Virginia.... an astounding feat since in 1608, the name "John Smith" was considered to be a bit "ethnic."

1813: The United States defeats the British Fleet at the Battle of Lake Erie. But the British thought they had won when they realized they could actually leave.

2011-09-08T17:44:00.000Z

Jobs Bill
President Obama's new jobs bill calls for $447 billion in new spending which we'll have to get by borrowing more from China. That makes sense since China will be getting all the jobs, it might as well put up all the money!

SoCal Power Outage
Much of Southern California is still without power this morning. The whole situation is confusinf Lindsay Lohan who can't run red lights if they're not working in the first place.

Bank Layoffs
Bank of America is going to layoff 40,000 workers. That means millions of its broke customers will now have to foreclose on their own homes.

Starbucks Campaign
The CEO of Starbucks wants people to stop making political donations... mostly so they'll have more money to pay for $17 cups of coffee.

Terror Threat
Because of a credible and specific car bomb threat from al Qaeda, the Obama administration is scrambling to respond... but only because the car the terrorists are targeting is a Chevy Volt.

September 9th

337: Constantine II, Constantius II, and Constans I succeed their father Constantine I as co-emperors. Yeah, like that wasn't confusing.

1543: Mary Stuart, at nine months old, is crowned "Queen of Scots"... then she poops in her royal vestments.

1969: In Canada, the Official Languages Act comes into force, making the French language equal to the English language... for the three people who care about Canada that is.

2011-09-07T18:47:00.001Z

Obama Speech
President Obama is set to deliver a major speech on jobs tonight... but most of the nation's business leaders are expected to lose interest when they find out the speech isn't about Steve Jobs.

Court Decision
A Federal Appeals Court has denied the state of Arizona's case for denying benefits to the domestic partners of gay state employees. The court ruled such exclusions would be impossible since there haven't been any straight state employees in the U.S. since 1965.

Medicare Busts
The Feds say they've made the biggest Medicare busts ever, catching all the elderly people responsible for swiping all the good magazines out of your doctor's office.

NASCAR Visit
President Obama welcomed the top drivers from NASCAR to the White House yesterday... finally getting him to talk about something he knows less about than the economy.

PR Cops
A Justice Department report accuses the 17,000-officer police force in Puerto Rico of a pattern of civil rights violations. For example, the cops in Puerto Rico have shockingly only been arresting Puerto Ricans.

September 8th

1504: Michelangelo's David is unveiled in Florence. Everyone viewing it is immediately busted for child pornography.

1959: The Asian Institute of Technology (AIT) is established. It just copies all the classes at MIT but teaches them for 75% less.

1974: President Gerald Ford pardons former President Richard Nixon for any crimes Nixon may have committed while in office… and any crimes he might commit simply by living in New Jersey.

2011-09-06T13:42:00.000Z

Yahoo Boots CEO
Yahoo's board has ousted Carol Bartz as CEO. Even more embarrassing is the fact that Yahoo is searching for a new chief on Google.

Chinese Billionaire
China's richest man is Liang Wengen, a maker of heavy digging equipment. His products are in major demand in China, because everyone needs to find a place to bury the industrial secrets they stole from America.

Nudity Rules
The growing number of public nudists in San Francisco are being asked to put something on the chairs they sit on for sanitation purposes... and just in case being delusionally proud of your naked body is contagious.

Airport Rules
The TSA says we might soon be able to stop taking your shoes off when we go through security at the airport... but now we will all have to take off our pants.

Jobs Speech
President Obama is set to deliver his big jobs speech tomorrow night. It's almost ready, he's just waiting for it to be translated by his outsourced speechwriters in China.

September 7th

1876: In Northfield, Minnesota, Jesse James and the James-Younger Gang attempt to rob the town's bank but are driven off by armed citizens. Of course, anyone repeating this historical fact today will be shot by the Democratic Party.

1901: The Boxer Rebellion in China officially ends with the distribution of fortune cookies.

1916: Federal employees win the right to Workers' compensation... as soon as they start working.

2011-09-06T12:55:00.000Z

September 6th

1522: The Victoria, the only surviving ship of Ferdinand Magellan's expedition, returns to Spain, becoming the first ship to circumnavigate the world. Almost 500 years later, the ship still smells terrible.

1901: Anarchist Leon Czolgosz shoots and fatally wounds President William McKinley at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. That was just the second worst thing to happen to McKinley that day... the first was having to go to Buffalo.

1976: Soviet air force pilot Lt. Viktor Belenko lands a MiG-25 jet fighter in Japan and requests political asylum in the United States. In return, he offers his help in battling Godzilla.

2011-09-05T11:40:00.000Z

September 5th

1698: Tsar Peter I of Russia imposes a tax on all beards except for the clergy, the peasantry, and his mother.

1793: The French National Convention initiates the Reign of Terror. No one is sure why they decided to call it that, but it was definitely the worst case of marketing ever.

1906: The first legal forward pass in American football is thrown by Bradbury Robinson of St. Louis University to teammate Jack Schneider in a 22–0 victory over Carroll College. After the game, Robinson attempts an illegal forward pass on another teammate in the shower.

2011-09-04T11:41:00.000Z

September 4th

1884: The United Kingdom ends its policy of penal transportation to Australia. But Australia is still used as a punishment as criminals are now forced to watch movies starring Paul Hogan.

1948: Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands abdicates for health reasons... and because you don't have to been Queen to get legal pot in the Netherlands.

1957: Orval Faubus, governor of Arkansas, calls out the National Guard to prevent African American students from enrolling in Central High School. Now, the best way to keep kids from going to high school is to ban cell phones and iPods.